CONTENTS OF THE REFLECTIVE PEN

Life Challenges

•   How to Avoid Growing Up Before Growing Old
  Are you confused about what it means to 'grow up?' And is it necessary to grow up as we age? A humorous look at this dilemma follows.
•  Aged to Perfection: Finding Freedom from the Perfectionism Trap
  perfectioHow many things in your life say "aged to perfection" on the label? I can think of both wine and cheese that fit this category, but I have to ask ,"By whose definition?"
• “The Art of Bread Dough: A Metaphor for Building a Successful Life”
  Creating a successful life is similar to working bread dough, involving a lot of push and pull and plenty of waiting for inner work to complete itself.
• 3 SIMPLE WAYS TO MANAGE STRESS
  When confronted by a stressful event it helps to know three simple ways to manage the accompanying feelings.
• 5 WAYS OF SELF-CARE TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE
  Here are five ways to improve your life with daily steps of self-care that become habit when practiced with intention. By beginning with yourself as a priority and following through every day, your life will change in many ways.
• A Positive View of the End of Life
  At some point in our lives, we will all have to face the inevitability of death. For many, the thought of the end of life can be daunting and difficult to come to terms with. However, it doesn't have to be a negative experience. In fact, there are many positive ways to look at the end of life that can help us make
• A Season of Grief and Thanksgiving
  His last words before he left for surgery were "Don't let me die." There was no time for a conversation about what could arise between life and death.
• A SERVICE DOG SPEAKS TO CAREGIVERS
  My name is Dekker. I am a service dog and like many other caregivers, I devote my time and energy 24/7 to a person I love so that she can have as good a life a possible. I get to share a few things I have learned along the way, like the value of kibble, and the importance of recognition - two things that help any caregiver do their job well.
• Against The Grain
  It takes a lot of courage to live against the grain, to follow a different drummer than all your friends or buck the council of parents to “make something of yourself.” Maybe it’s not so much courage…
• Aging and Spirituality, the Pilgrimage Within
  Aging and a growing interest in spirituality seem to go hand in hand. Looking at aging as a pilgrimage, here are some questions to ask yourself.
• AGING AS A CAUSE TO CELEBRATE
  Aging is universal across time and place. We all age. The question is, are we going to quake as we age or celebrate each step along the way?
• Aging as a Spiritual Practice
  How can aging be a form of spiritual practice? Many people think of ‘spiritual practice’ as attending religious services once a week, a morning devotional, or a commitment to serving others.Perhaps y…
• Aging Gratefully
  Are you aging gratefully? Growing older is a privilege that not everyone gets to experience. Some days I think my dog understands gratefulness and aging better than I...
• ALL ABOUT DEKKER, THE SERVICE DOG
  Dekker, a NEADS-trained service dog "tells" about his training to become a world class dog who helps someone with a disability.
• Are there any benefits of aging?
  The benefits of aging can sometimes be best understood in the old vehicles we continue to drive, like the rusty Ford 150 with the odd-colored tailgate that has charm, purpose, style, and capacity.
• ARE YOU A DRIFTER OR A PILGRIM?
  Most of my life I have been a drifter but not in the sense of a pilgrim who walks the Camino. My drifting has been both an inner wandering which has led me thro ...
• ARE YOU IN DANGER OF CAREGIVER BURNOUT?
  Caregiving is a tough and under recognized challenge in many homes and the danger of burning out as a caregiver looms over many familes.
• Being a Crone Isn’t a Career Choice
  I never thought I would want to grow up to be a crone, but then I realized it isn't a career choice. Much like the body I live in. I didn't choose that either. ...
• Beyond DNA: The Two Threads of Our Legacy 
  When we think about what we pass on to our descendants, we usually think first of DNA. DNA is like nature's ultimate hand-me-down, passing along Aunt Betty's musical talent or Uncle Joe's distinctive nose.
• Create an Inspiring Bucket List
  Many fun and adventurous things can be more than just dreams. In this inspiring approach to writing a bucket list, your adventures await.
• Creative Solutions When Walking is Difficult
  When walking gets difficult it isn't necessary to give it up when there are so many creative - and fun - solutions!
• Dear Dekker
  Dear Dekker, I am writing to you because I have what some people call mid-winter blues. I can’t seem to find the energy to keep going.
• Dekker – A Service Dog with Answers
  Many people have asked me how Dekker ‘writes,’ sharing his wisdom every month in English. The only words that may seem legitimate from a dog are “Woof, woof”....Learning to listen is more like a prayer than conversation.
• Dekker Adds to His Story
  Woof Woof! Here is another piece of my story of how I got to be a service dog, along with a few answers to comments left last week....I told you last month about serving my time in prison....
• Dekker and his “Pawnderings”
  Dekker is a British Black lab whose gifts for writing emerged during the pandemic when he had to stay home much of the time. If this is your first time reading reading his post, you will find that his canine heart holds both wisdom and a lot of love, offered freely to readers of TheReflectivePen.
• Dekker Answers a Question about Adopted Pets
  Dekker is a service dog who offers advice to readers of TheReflectivePen. In this post he responds to questions about 'pandemic pets', as well as questions about death and euthanasia.
• Dekker Answers More Questions About Service Dogs – Part ll
  In this second of a two-part series Dekker answer more questions about what it means to be a service dog and explains the difference between a guide dog, a therapy dog and an assistance dog.
• Dekker Answers People Questions
  Welcome to Dekker’s page of puppy-dog wisdom for humans who have questions. Better than a therapist, Dekker is always faithful in The Reflective Pen to hear you ...
• Dekker answers questions about service dogs
  Dekker explains about service dogs, what they do, how they're trained and why some animals are pets and some are meant to serve.
• Dekker answers several questions on faith
  Dekker, the wise old service dog, answers questions about forgiveness, prayer, worship and faithfulness from a canine perspective.
• Dekker Continues His Story
  Dekker continues with part three of his story of how he became a service dog. This time he shares a letter he got from his person who had a surprise.
• Dekker Gives Advice to People with Questions
  Dekker, a service dog, gives advice to five people who look to him for words of wisdom as they struggle with life.
• DEKKER GIVES CATS FREE ADVICE
  As a service dog, Dekker has begun to serve as a spiritual guide to anyone (including cats) who have questions about dealing with difficult issues in their lives.
• Dekker goes to church
  Woof Woof! My name is Dekker. I am a service dog, and usually, in this space, I get to answer questions from humans. I used to think that dogs don’t have as many questions as humans, but I am beginning to think otherwise. You see, woof, I follow my human everywhere. Yesterday we went to church, where I got to lay
• Dekker is back to work!
  Welcome to Dekker’s page of canine reflections. What?! Didn’t you know dogs can write? Dogs (and cats, on occasion) are great thinkers and only need a bit of transcription to get their wisdom into the world and...
• Dekker offers advice about birdfeeders and Covid
  Dekker, the service dog who shares his wisdom with people, once again offers advice to people, this time about birdfeeders, Covid, and more.
• Dekker Offers His Wisdom to Humans
  Dekker responds to concerns about wearing a mask, living with a noisy roommate, and dealing with an unfaithful wife among other questions.
• Dekker on Aging
  Hi. If we haven't met before, my name is Dekker. I welcome you to this site where I write once a month to help people out with their problems. It's what I do. I am a service dog and I just love listen…
• Dekker on the Subject of Aging
  Dekker adds his 'woof wisdom' to the questions that people have about growing older.
• Dekker Opens His Heart to a Grieving Widower
  Dekker, a service dog with many unique talents, responds to readers' questions with the wisdom he has become famous for. Today he responds to a man in grief...
• Dekker Pawnders Death
  Woof woof…Welcome to “Dekker’s page”, a monthly assortment of human questions Dekker answers with the wisdom of a Black Lab of British descent. (When he isn't s ...
• DEKKER RESPONDS TO HOLIDAY BLUES
  Dekker, the service dog who has advice for humans and other creatures, gives guidance to some issues that arise over the holidays.
• Dekker responds to humans…and dogs
  What follows is a bit of canine wisdom from Dekker, the service dog. Dekker considers questions sent to him by both humans and their pets, giving his wisdom...
• Dekker responds to questions about God
  Dekker, a service dog whose wisdom is treasured by many people, turns to questions about the existence and nature of God with his perspective on prayers, heaven and hell, and the right to die.
• Dekker returns to sharing wisdom
  Woof! For the last three months, I have been sharing my stories of becoming a service dog. If you have missed any of these you will find them by going HERE. I have received wonderful comments and I thank everyone…and yes, I get a piece of kibble for each comment! Please don’t stop! Some people have asked if I am
• Dekker Shares His Observations About People
  Woof Woof!! My name is Dekker, and once a month I get to share my observations about people's behavior and answer questions that readers (and sometimes their pets) ask.
• Dekker shares his wisdom
  People write to Dekker for answers to everyday problems and to get his advice for living well despite challenges.
• Dekker Sleeps on the Job
  Today Dekker is sleeping on the job, so I get to write about my thoughts about everything he has taught me.
• Dekker Speaks
  Dekker is a British black lab who is a service dog by day and a writer by night. His greatest joy is sharing his thoughts about human behavior.
• Dekker speaks
  If this is your first time visiting The Reflective Pen, you may not have heard about Dekker. He is my service dog who, during the pandemic, when there was nothing else to do....
• Dekker Speaks Out About God and Prayer
  Dekker weighs in on question asked by people who
• Dekker Speaks Up
  Do you listen to your dog or cat (or even chicken or horse) to hear what they have to say about life? Dekker will teach you how.sd
• Dekker Tells His Story, part 1
  Many people ask me (Dekker) what it takes to be a service dog. I could talk to them about the one to two years of training which I guess is why we service dogs are so expensive, but really, the important thing is something a dog is born with. You would call it temperament. I call it dogness. Dogness can range from
• Dekker Wisdom and other Pawnderings
  If you are a new reader of TheReflectivePen, this may be the first time you have met Dekker's and his Pawnderings. He is a service dog for the creator of this blog and....
• Dekker Writes
  I invite you to pretend for a moment that you see paw prints, a bit of drool and some kibble crumbs on this page. Such is life when you live with a dog.
• Dekker Writes Again
  Welcome to ‘the Dog House.’ This is where Dekker, a multi-talented service dog, offers his canine wisdom to humans.Today, he is asked about the reality of dogs who can write and if he ever runs out of…
• Dekker-225
  Welcome to Dekker’s monthly post, where he brings canine perspective and wisdom to questions people ask. Dekker is the service dog of the creator of this blog a ...
• Dekker, a Dog who writes an advice column
  Dekker is a service dog who loves to write, or more correctly, dictate advice to humans (and sometimes cats and other animals).
• Dekker, a Service Dog with Wisdom
  Dekker responds to questions about the purpose of life, navigating difficulties in relationships, health challenges and retirement.
• Dekker, The Service Dog, Shares His Wisdom
  Many people have asked me how Dekker ‘writes,’ sharing his wisdom every month in this blog. The only words that may seem legitimate from a dog are “Woof, woof”.
• Dekker’s “Pawnderings”, vol 3.6
  Welcome to Dekker’s page of wisdom and pawnderings…if this is your first visit, check out his other posts, along with some discussion about service dogs, by hitting the ‘Dekker’ tab above.
• DEKKER’S ADVICE ABOUT PEOPLE PROBLEMS
  Dekker listens to a lot of 'people problems' and offers his best advice from his perspective as a service dog.
• DEKKER’S ADVICE FOR PEOPLE IN PAIN
  Dekker, a service dog, takes on new challenges as he draws from his dog-wisdom to give advice to humans in pain.
• Dekker’s Bone
  Dekker, a world-class service dog offers his profound wisdom to people seeking advice and makes no excuses for his service.
• Dekker’s People Guide
  Dekker, a world-class service dog, not only works full-time attending to his person but has been building a side gig, giving advice to people from his perspective.
• Dekker’s Wisdom
  Dekker, a world-class service dog, has asked me to welcome you to his page the way he would if he met you. Don’t ask me how I will wag my butt but do picture me with my tongue hanging out and my ears…
• DEKKER’S WISDOM FOR PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS
  Dekker says that writing this column is hard work and sometimes he falls asleep while working. There is so much to read and understand about human behavior and he wants to bring you well-informed responses to your requests.
• Difficulty Sleeping?
  Do you have difficulty sleeping? I have had an off and on again relationship with the sandman since I was a child. I still carry this image of an old man sprinkling sand in someone’s eyes.Don’t ask me…
• Do You Know What To Do Before Being Hit by a Bus?
  People don’t often survive a head-on collision with a speeding bus when they are out for an evening stroll. It is often easier to talk about buses than to use the "D" word.
• Do you know what your pet is thinking?
  When you look into the big round eyes of your dog or cat, do you ever wonder what they are thinking? Here are some ways to find out.
• Embracing Wrinkles as Maps of Wisdom
  I wonder if wrinkles are more than just signs of aging but also maps of our spiritual pilgrimage. Every line on our faces represents a significant moment in our journey, whether it be a challenge we've conquered or a love we've felt.
• Five Things to Know About Grief and Loss
  When you lose a spouse there are a series of expected feelings and experiences ahead. Grief, loneliness, pain, laughter, and joy are only five but worth taking a look at.
• Five Ways to Stay Calm Without Losing Patience
  Five ways to not lose your patience - 1. Slow down...2. Breathe...3. Make waiting a spiritual practice...4. Smile...5. go for a walk
• Growing Old for the Fun of It
  I often say “I am growing old for the fun of it,” but the other day I stumbled stepping off a curb and I an image of myself plastered face first on the pavement flashed in front of my eyes.,
• Growing Old Gracefully: Reflections on Embracing Aging with Wisdom and Humor
  The more years go by, the more I realize that growing old gracefully isn't about having it all figured out. It's about keeping that youthful spirit alive - that spark of curiosity
• HAS YOUR “BEST IF USED BY” DATE PASSED?
  Do you have a "Best if used by" date on your life? What if that date has passed and you find yourself still sitting on the shelf? Here is a cosmic answer to that question.
• How Can We Entertain Our Feelings of Grief?
  We have an energy crisis, and I am not referring to an oil shortage. I am thinking about all the energy it takes to keep the doors and windows of our hearts closed against the cold winds and drenching rains of grief. We all have stories of how we were taught to manage feelings, whether from our parents,
• How Do Animals Bring Spiritual Growth
  Do you have a dog or cat? Or perhaps another critter that is part of your family? (No I am not talking about spouses!). As I sit here with Dekker at my feet I ask myself how have animals helped or hindered my aging process? And what role do our pets have when it comes to spiritual growth. When I was about five years
• HOW DO YOU DEFINE GROWING OLD?
  The definition of 'aging' depends on a lot more things than one's chronological age and how we define it can influence how we live it.
• How do you feel when you say NO?
  I learned how to say "NO" when I learned the secret of pacing in life. It was a matter of life and death.
• How Do You Know What You Know?
  How do you know what you know? If you have never really thought about it, you may be surprised at the number of ways you have come by your wealth of knowledge.
• How Do You Return to Normal After a Huge Loss
  Is it ever Possible to Return to Normal? What is normal when life has delivered a significant blow - divorce, death, pandemic, or job loss?
• How Old Do You Have to Be to Become a Crone
  Well, if there isn’t a specific age for crones and no certification from an institution of higher learning, and when you look in the mirror you aren’t looking at a hag and you don’t do magic tricks, how do you know you have reached your ‘crone years?’
• How Old Is Old Enough?
  I am not sure when my desire to be older came to a halt, but there was a period in my life I didn’t think about aging much at all. Then I turned sixty. I was alone and sitting in rehab out of state....
• HOW TO ACCEPT CHANGE
  What is it about change that causes us to resist it so strongly? Impermanence is as guaranteed as death and taxes, but we put on the brakes and sometimes miss the Wonder of something new and different...and beautiful.
• How to Accept an Assistive Device with Grace
  The first time you find yourself in need of an assistive device like a cane or walker, it can be devastating. It need not be so.
• How to allow curiosity as a superpower for your life
  Letting curiosity be your superpower can lead to unanticipated consequences when you ask questions and make the answers part of. your life.
• How to be a Comfort to Someone Who is Terminally Ill
  Comforting someone who is terminally ill calls for learning to listen, to be present, to encourage a life review, and to be vulnerable.
• HOW TO CARE FOR A CAREGIVER
  If there are fifty-three million caregivers in the U.S. (2020 Caregiving in the U.S. report from AARP) there must be at least that many friends or neighbors of caregivers. Are you one of them? Have you wondered if you could be more supportive? (Photo by  Davide Ragusa on Unsplash)   I have done a bit of caregiving in my life, but most of my experience has been in support of  my caregiving sister. Her husband has suffered from Alzheimer’s Disease for over twenty-five years. The last five in long term care may be the most difficult.   I have also supported many folks who care for a loved one through difficult diseases, as well as end-of-life issues. In this post I  continue some of observations  from a previous article “Are You In Danger of Caregiver Burnout” – written specifically for caregivers. This article will look at supporting  that caregiver – what works  and what is not helpful.  KNOW YOURSELF Are you a person who prefers happy novels, funny jokes and sunny days? There is nothing wrong with that. I, also, am an optimist and prefer to see the bright side of things. (Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash) Or perhaps you are inclined to see things as tragic and want to avoid talking about them at all costs. It’s how you have learned to survive. (Photo by Miguel Gonzalez on Unsplash) In either case, if we aren’t aware of our own energy field and how it can affect another person, we end up abandoning the very person we want to accompany.   If you find yourself in the position of supporting a caregiver, ask yourself,  Am I comfortable with my own tears, feelings of helplessness and limits?  Am I comfortable sitting with someone else’s? A caregiver under stress will suck up an ocean of grief to keep everyone else ‘comfortable.’ I don’t want to ask that of someone I want to support. WHAT HELPS AND WHAT DOESN’T “Interestingly, the longer I’ve lived with the cancer, the more my definition of toughness has changed. I used to think not crying meant you were tough. Now I think crying means you’re tough. It means you’re strong enough to be honest and vulnerable. It means you’re not pretending.” —Alex Trebek What is needed is an acknowledgment of the loss that accompanies a life that has turned out much differently than was planned. Not pity, not denial and not abandonment. A caregiver needs permission to feel. To rant, to weep, to doubt. Without judgment. Without ‘help’ to cheer up. A caregiver on the edge of burnout doesn’t need to add ‘getting a grip’ to the list of things to do.  (Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash) And the truth is, if we as a friend are not comfortable with our feelings, if we have never acknowledged our losses and deep pain, we do not see— cannot see—their deep need and validate it. So we are apt to suggest something to make them  smile.  “I know just how you feel.” (No, you don’t) “There’s always a better tomorrow.” (I’m only trying to live today) “Cheer up. It could be worse.”  (And that is supposed to help me?) When we encourage another person to stuff their feelings to make us feel more comfortable, we drain their capacity to function with integrity. We rob them of the fullness of their humanity. Without freedom for all their feelings, they become dry – inside and out, like a forest in need of rain. Perfect conditions for ‘burnout.’  Some good things to say might be: “I can’t imagine how you feel.” “I have time tomorrow. Can I stay with her/him while you do something you want?” “Tell me what you miss the most.”  These words acknowledge their reality, validating where they are on a long lonely journey.   HOW TO BE A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND Listen.  Sometimes the most validating response is silence as we bear witness to another’s life. (Photo by Christian Bowenon Unsplash) Stick around. Bring a meal, share a game of cards. Do whatever you did ‘before’. (Photo by Vlad Sargu on Unsplash) Many friends and acquaintances pull away because they don’t know what to do.  Don’t stop invitations  Invite the caregiver and their loved one to the same events you would have in the past. It is their call to make whether they are able to accept.  Be specific about an offer to help.  To say “call me if you need me” adds another burden. Saying “I’m on my way to the store. What can I bring you on my way back” is specific. Don’t ‘fix’.  Our need to fix things is about OUR comfort level and invalidates their reality. Forgive yourself. You will make mistakes. Perfection is so overrated!  Laugh. Cry. Sing. Pray. Thank you for doing the tender supportive work of being a friend to a caregiver.  HERE IS A WAY TO HELP NOW! Get this  brochure entitled “Because You Asked” –  a FREE PDF which can be downloaded by clicking on the button.  Give it to your caregiver friend, who may find it easier to have a checklist than to talk about what they need.  *PLEASE NOTE – This PDF will appear upside down. Set your printer to print double sided on one sheet of paper and it arrives as a perfect tri-fold Other articles about Caregiving: “What is meant by Caregiver Guilt” “A Service Dog Speaks to Caregivers”   DON’T MISS ANY NEW ARTICLES FROM “THE REFLECTIVE PEN”         
• How to claim agency in our old age
  How we claim agency and remain autonomous as we age is a matter of choice and something to be celebrated, regardless of disability or loss.
• How to feed your spirit when churches close
  As more and more places of worship close their doors, people are left to satisfy their spiritual hunger in new ways.
• How to Find Joy and Positivity in Difficult Times
  We all know that life can be tough. Sometimes, it feels like there's a never-ending stream of challenges and obstacles to overcome. It's easy to get bogged down by stress and negativity, and it can be…
• How to Forgive Yourself When You Make Mistakes
  How do I forgive myself? ‘Going down the wrong road’ is a common expression for having made a poor choice. This happens. To forgive yourself is the challenge. Life doesn’t have an easy-to-read manual when we start out and we sometimes make regrettable choices. We react without thinking
• How to Live Without Your Teeth, Hair or Hearing.
  It is inevitable to have more and more losses as we age. The question is how to live without your teeth, hair, hearing, or other things you have taken for granted.
• How to Not Be So Busy: A Guide for the Overworked and Overwhelmed
  We all have those days where we feel overworked and overwhelmed, like we're drowning in an endless sea of tasks and responsibilities. But fear not, for I am here to provide you with some tips on how to not be so busy. My first suggestion is to embrace your inner sloth...
• How to Overcome Journaling Resistance
  A short reflection on the challenges of developing a practice in journaling and how to overcome journaling resistance
• How to Procrastinate with Style
  I put off writing about procrastination for a long time and I had a lot of (to me) reasonable excuses. My favorite one: “I’m not procrastinating, I’m researching”. I wanted to write about ‘How to not…
• How to Say Goodbye – For The Last time
  How do you know what to say goodbye when someone is dying? It could be you... Do you know how or what to say at the end of life? Here are some suggestions...
• How to Smile with the Challenge of Downsizing
  With life changes comes an inevitable need to downsize, to eliminate a collection of a lifetime, and to control clutter. Here's one way to crack resistance and get started on this project.
• How to Wait Without Losing Your Mind
    How to wait for something, especially the unknown, challenges even the most patient of people. There is waiting…and then there is WAITING.  Waiting for a bus or for the abominably slow cashier to ring up all the grocery specials with coupons of the lady in front of you in line feels significantly different than waiting for the birth of a child, or waiting for news of a soldier at war, or waiting for someone to get off life support.   This last has been a recent personal wait and has inspired these reflections on how to wait without losing your mind. The salient difference between a bus and life support is knowledge of the outcome.  We can be pretty secure in the knowledge that bus schedules are predictable…and if we miss this one we can take the next.  Waiting for the arrival of improvement after a catastrophic event has no timetable.  Some of the things I was waiting for were to hear news of change.  see signs of life. watch nurses monitor more equipment than an air traffic controller. engage with a system that churns forward 24/7 while people wait. And wait. And wait some more. Where are all the simple answers? Waiting creates many questions.   Questions are simple. Answers are not. When it comes to life and death there are no pat answers. Every conversation is bracketed with “in the best-case scenario….”  When I think about it, I tend to live my life with that perspective. In the best-case scenario, I will get up every morning, have food to eat, money to pay my bills, the love of family and fur friends, and meaningful work to do.  Apparently, I have little awareness that my day-to-day life is close to a line where everything could stop, or change direction in a blink.   That I can only live in this moment is the insight that comes from waiting. The intimacy and power of strangers   Strangers can be more intimate and have more power than I have ever allowed the closest of my friends and family. Who are these people who give their lives that others may live?  Long twelve-hour shifts…or even 24 hours for some doctors, with no guarantee that what they are doing will “work”. They take on risks of contracting disease, of emotional pain and burnout, of separation from their own families and personal desires. For what?  So that a total stranger may have an opportunity to live and breathe and see the beauty of another sunrise.  I shook the soft tender hands of a man who had placed those hands within the chest wall of my son, slicing into his heart. He watched when a valve failed and my son’s lungs filled with fluid. I can only imagine what he was thinking. Yet his hands never wavered. He had a rescue plan.  Had that been me, I am not sure I could have moved forward with plan B…or plan C – with such steady hands and clear vision.   What is this power to reach for plan B?  Where does this courage come from? Education? Experience? Preparation? Team? Practice? Grace! The coexistence of strengths and weaknesses   The third thing I learned as I sat and waited, is how strength and weakness coexist in the same body.  One moment I wanted to melt in a blob of tears, rail at the Universe, and relinquish all my dreams and goals. The next moment, I moved to holding others, making plans for how to help my son on a long difficult road back to health, and resolving to tame the lions that crossed his path.  The mystery of time In my waiting, I learned that the experience of time is an enormous hoax.  An hour can last three days, and a week may have only 24 hours from Monday to Friday.  When the primary activity is waiting, weekends are no different than Wednesdays.  There is no consistency in the amount of time between sunrise and sunset when what once moved is still — and everything I expect to be still is moving.  Clocks — an artificial creation of humanity — are loosely connected to reality, ticking away seconds that last hours. So how does one plan life when in an interminable wait?   The simple answer is, you don’t. Planning anything, whether that is the next meal or a career goal, is a fruitless exercise when the mind is simultaneously holding hope and grief in opposite halves of the brain.  Time comes and goes with multiple personalities.  I can learn to live with that. And yet, what do I do with the piece of me that wonders when I should plan the next meal? Other experiences of waiting These are only a few of the things I experienced in this alternate universe of being an outsider to a medical crisis.  I also continue to stand in tides of sorrow and relief that roll in and out without any reference to the tug of the moon.  And an appetite that swings from craving cookies to fasting as a form of prayer, followed by Chinese takeout.  What does one do with unending time and without a compass or clock, menu, or roadmap?  I cannot speak for others, but I learned  to pause  — over and over to give thanks for moments of stillness,  to treasure the soft tenderness of a caregiver to list all I am grateful for  to breathe and feel the air to listen for sounds of gentle laughter in the distance to interface with many kind people I learned – and continue to learn — a new meaning to ‘wait’ as I cling to the promise of the sunrise that is sure to come after the dark of the night.  I just don’t know when.  Or what.  Or why. And that is OK. [Photo credits from Unsplash: Waiting by Alberto-Barbarisi; questions by ozan-safak; doctors-national-cancer-institute; time-jon-tyson; strength-and-weakness-janko-ferlic] NEVER MISS  A POST FROM TheReflectivePen.
• How You Can Live A Fulfilled Life at Any Age
      What does it mean to live a fulfilled life?    When asked what it means to live a fulfilled life, Dr. Joos Meyer, a medical doctor at Fremantle Hospital in Western Australia said, “Being in the moment, awake and alive and able to enjoy things now. Not worrying about the past or postponing happiness to a distant future.”  I love this response because it supports my belief that having a full life is not about being busy, acquiring stuff, or even being healthy in my old age. I often hear people describe a full life in terms of what is quantifiable, like finances, living to a certain age, or having many grandchildren.  Or they speak of accomplishments, health, bucket lists, or goals.    I wonder, though, about people who have acquired and achieved and yet feel unable to relax into their final years or moments with a sense of fullness.  And what about someone with a severe handicap who lives a good portion of their time confined to bed and requires an attendant to help with activities of daily living? A definition based on productivity eliminates the possibility of a full life for such a person.  What would Mary Oliver say about a fulfilled life?  I listen to the words of Mary Oliver, who, for me, summarizes the question with her poem “When it is Over.” “When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. When it is over, I don’t want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular and real. I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened or full of argument. I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”             ― Mary Oliver I believe ‘simply having visited this world’ is the underlying problem of an unfulfilled life. There have been times in my life in which I was so busy making a living or surviving challenges or attending to the needs of others that I missed every opportunity for ‘amazement.’ To live in the present moment, awake and alive, and enjoy simple things does not depend on my productivity, nor is it impacted by disability. It relies upon instead of having built practices of awareness and gratitude, of pausing and listening, of feeling and expressing gratitude. The idea of living fully must embrace the concept of hospitality towards whatever arrives. (See The Guest House by Rumi). Some factors in a ‘full life.’ Because there is a certain amount of luck in the people and events that arrive throughout a lifespan, I want to be careful not to pin my idea of fullness to only the good or fun things.  To the enjoyment of only the kind, generous and talented people.  I have learned how to disagree with my neighbor without going to war. And I also have learned how to pray for people caught in webs of evil.    I am not the same person I was 20 or 40 or 60 years ago. At each life stage, what made life full changed with my expectations and experiences at the time. In my 20’s I thought my life was complete with a new job, a new spouse, and and a healthy body. Somewhere in my soul, I had connected fullness with abundance and success. Or at least busyness. One by one, I lost my job, my spouse, and my health. I was filled with despair as life became one challenge after another, a life most often met with failure. At that point, I wouldn’t have described a life with so much loss as full life. Then my health   became more stable. I had a new spouse and a new career. Indeed, my life was ‘full.’ I was busy and successful and happy. And then, as I neared my 60’s, I again lost my spouse, my health, and I had to retire. The cycle of filling and emptying There seems to be a cycle in life of emptying and filling –  and emptying and filling. So when I say I want to live a full life right up until my last breath, I wonder if I am saying I want to be on a ‘filling’ cycle instead of an emptying one? Is there a paradox here? Can there be fullness amid emptiness? If I do not consider the losses that create a feeling of emptiness and instead focus on the inner space that waits to be filled, I can trust that like a cup, my life will always be either in a process of filling or emptying. Life overflows with possibilities. I am free to ‘marry amazement,’ as Mary Oliver describes. But to become the bride of amazement, I must be in the moment, not clinging to that which has been poured out, not grasping for more to fill the space.  In conclusion – a paradox Fullness in life is not measured by the level of emptiness but by embracing this process. I fear finding my life so full of meaningless trivia that I have no space or time just to be. To smell roses. To hear birds sing. To pet a kitten. To wonder. To gaze. To breathe it all in as if it were air to my soul. The paradox is, the more I welcome emptiness in my life, the fuller it becomes. But only if I am “in the moment, awake and alive and able to enjoy things now.” Not worrying about the past or postponing happiness to a distant future.”  To read and listen to my journey with one of those times of emptiness and how I moved on, go to “Learning to Sit with Loss”  If you enjoy reflecting on the meaning of life, SIGN UP NOW. 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• How You Can Make Peace With Your Past
  Making peace with your past may include a number of rituals of surrender that help you get on, not only with today, but the future.
• Is there a difference between aging and growing old?
  Is there a distinction between aging and growing old? This brief article explores one difference.
• Is There a Purpose to Waiting?
  Understanding our ultimate purpose in life is often frustrated by having to wait so long to see it manifest. If you have ever had to wait a lifetime to know your purpose you will appreciate this reflection on an acorn.
• Is There Any Purpose and Meaning to Aging?
  Finding purpose and meaning as we age is a matter of recognizing the power of sitting still.
• KEEPING YOUR BALANCE SPIRITUALLY
  There are some ways to keep standing when the world seems upside down that involve finding insight, protecting your inner ears, and making choices aid in balance.
• LEARNING TO LAMENT, A GUIDE FOR CAREGIVERS
  Why is learning to lament the first task for a new caregiver to master? Because to carry grief is like toting a backpack of heavy stones. The journey becomes impossible because of the burden.
• Learning to Sit Alone With Feelings
  Learning to sit is a common Buddhist practice but for this author, the road to sitting was marked by an illness accompanied by cognitive loss that did not allow her to do much else.
• LEARNING TO WALK…AGAIN
  The author draws from her own experience in learning to walk again after a flare-up of multiple sclerosis to inspire anyone who finds themselves sidelined by accident, illness, or aging.
• Letting Go
  My journey through liminal space continues. The pace of our transitioning between continents is that of a snail. And for the time being, that still feels mostly okay, even as the days on the calendar whizz by, as they have been for many months, even years, now.
• LETTING GO OF THE WHEEL: A PATH TO PEACE
  The speedometer read zero, but my heart raced at sixty. Though temporary, that moment marked a profound change in my life. 
• Listening as a Spiritual Practice
  We engage in many daily activities that would fall under the label of spiritual practice...But have you considered listening as one too?
• Living With a Service Dog
  Living with a service dog meant that I had to surrender my understanding of dogs as 'pets'. And I have had a number in my lifetime.
• Meaning and Purpose in Aging and Loss
  Transforming loss into strength is akin to a phoenix rising from the ashes. It's about using our experiences to grow and evolve, finding meaning in the process.
• MORE ADVICE FROM DEKKER
  Dekker is a British black lab whose gifts for giving advice emerged when he sat around every day with the restrictions of the pandemic. He was born to serve and trained by prison inmates.
• One Thing to Know if You Want to be Compassionate
  Until I learn to be comfortable with my fear and pain, I will not hear the fear and pain behind another's defensive statements or responses, let alone respond skillfully.
• Pain is a Given – Suffering is a Choice
  ‘Pain is a given; suffering is a choice’. What on earth does this mean? And how does it apply to our lives? I think we can all agree that life includes pain. It may be from sticking yourself with a needle while you sew, running out of gas on a busy highway, or being rejected by someone you thought was a friend.
• Pawndering with Dekker
  Welcome to the ‘pawnderings’ of Dekker, a middle aged canine who loves to share his wisdom…as long as there is a piece of kibble in return. As a well trained service dog, Dekker...
• Remembering to Exhale
  'Overwhelm' can happen when we forget to breathe. It is feeling like you are drowning, or engulfed in 'too much, too often.' Although life may flood us with little warning, finding a way to emerge from that feeling may be closer than we expect.
• SIMPLE WISDOM FOR PEOPLE IN DISTRESS
  Dekker has advice for people on a number of issues, including broken New year's resolutions.
• Spiritual Aging: Beyond Doctor Visits and Exercise Plans
  A reader recently asked why we seem to focus more on physical issues as we age than the spiritual ones. When my friend Sarah turned 75, her calendar looked like...
• Spiritual Reflections on Illness and Aging
  After avoiding the illness that changed the world, I finally experienced firsthand the effects of COVID-19 in my own body. Following are reflections on the gifts of that experience...
• SURVIVING A PANDEMIC
  Any time there is a pandemic, there is more than a virus that keeps us awake at night. Roosevelt said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself", which is easy to say, and sometimes difficult to navigate.
• Temptation or Motivation?
  Are temptation and motivation the same thing? How might they differ? Does it matter? As I made a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies the other day....
• The Art of Journaling
  Are you thinking about journaling? Or creative writing? Or letters of legacy? What are you waiting for? There are stories only you can tell. Ideas and perspectives no one else has. Emotions that you would not want to expose in public. Your journal can hold all of these things so you don’t have to.
• The Art of Letting Go
  There is a natural tendency to hang on to what we have even while we yearn for things to be different. Why we do this and what can be done about it are questions addressed in this article.
• THE ART OF SLOW
  In our world of fast food, highways built for speed, and evermore demands to move faster, think faster, eat faster, and even sleep faster, we have set aside 'SLOW' as if it were a foreign invader needing to be vanquished. Walking 'slow' is one way to regain a sense of presence and groundedness in our daily life.
• The Benefits of Preparing for Death—It’s not as morbid as you think
  Do you find yourself avoiding any thoughts about death…your own or that of someone you love? You would be among the majority. There will even be some readers who read no further, but let me encourage you to stick with this just a little bit. How we view death is impacted by many factors that are not the same for
• The Importance of Rest
  In our fast-paced world filled with endless to-do lists and constant demands, we often overlook the importance of rest. Exhaustion and fatigue are lurking just past the next item on our to-do lists, and it isn’t just the body that takes a hit. More importantly (and often overlooked) is the hit to our inner self,
• The Journey of Life from Womb to Grave
   We speak a lot about the journey of life, but do we ever think much about the process of travel from birth to death?  How do we get from the womb to the grave anyway? 
• The Meaning of Flow
  Flow is a state of mind that occurs when you are entirely devoted to an activity or task. The other day I was so engrossed in writing that I didn’t feel hungry.
• The Problem of Ageism
  There is a problem that gets laughed at too often. It is called Ageism. Aging isn't the problem. How we disparage it is.Most people I talk to about aging say th ...
• The Sacred Dance: When Rebellion Meets True Strength
   The Moment of ChangeI was seventy-four when I finally said 'no' to hosting Christmas breakfast. The year before, our family tradition of stockings and breakfast ...
• THE SECRET OF ‘THE POWER OF SEVENTEEN’
  When you are in a situation that seems hopeless, and you feel trapped by your circumstances, you may be looking for an answer to a difficult problem that isn't illegal, immoral or fattening.  That is where the secret of the Power of Seventeen comes to your rescue. 
• The Sound of Silence: Reflections on What Lies Beyond Death
  Have you ever experienced a moment so quiet you could hear your own heartbeat? When my father passed away, I discovered a special kind of silence in his hospital room that made me wonder about heaven and what happens after we die.
• Thoughts on The Meaning of Soul Rest
  I got to thinking about rest this morning. Very early! It seems that for as much as I wanted sleep last night, the sandman was working elsewhere!So exactly what do we mean by rest, anyway? Doctors will…
• Three more lists besides a bucket list you may want to consider
  Besides a bucket list, here are three more lists that you may want to keep and share with friends and family before you die.
• Two ways you can begin practicing for death today
  We find the strength for accepting death when we have been showing hospitality to death all along. This article lays out two ways to do this.
• What Are You Afraid Of?
  If you have ever been afraid of anything, this is the article to read for it is a reminder that fear does not have to control your life.
• What Does It Mean To ‘Grow Up’
  What does it mean to 'grow up'? Is it a matter of age or mindset? The article takes a look at how we can relive our childhood 'for the fun of it.'
• What holds you back from living a full life?
  What is it that holds us back from living the fullest life possible as we age? Most of life is about moving forward, achieving, acquiring and growing.
• What I Learned about God and Life from My Grandmother’s Boobs
  I learned more about God, life and wisdom from my grandmother's boobs than I did from Sunday School. At the age of 10 I looked at my grandmother who was at least 60 an ...
• What is an Ethical Will and the Steps to Creating One
  An ethical will can leave light in the lives of your heirs through your values, life lessons and principles, shared through your writing and preservation of snippets of what has made life meaningful to you.
• WHAT IS CAREGIVER GUILT?
  Few people who have cared for a loved one over many long months and years of chronic illness get through it without expressing feelings of guilt "I could have done more." "I should have known..." This article dives deep into the question "Am I enough?"
• What is the Meaning and Purpose of Life
  Meaning and purpose have to be more than a satisfying and lucrative job. How does my life intertwine with diversity, with strangers, with the Divine?
• WHAT IS THE SECRET OF AGING WELL?
  Growing old isn't an option for most people. How we look at it is a choice and the secret to aging well may lie in the language we use.
• What is the Value of Failure
  When we count all of our assets toward the end of life, we don't want to forget the value of failure that has given us seeds of wisdom for inner growth.
• WHAT MAKES A DOG A SERVICE DOG?
  There is a big difference between a service dog, and an assistance dog, an emotional support dog and a pet. This article explains that difference and addresses the issue of fake service dogs.
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU CAN’T SLEEP
  Sleeping may not be the problem we think it is if we learn to sleep according to our bodily rhythms instead of by the clock.
• What to do With a Difficult Diagnosis
  When you have received a difficult diagnosis it is normal to find yourself in a twilight zone of confusion and fear as you struggle to come to terms.
• WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BRAIN FOG
  Here is what you need to know about Brain Fog if you are concerned about cooudy thinking, memory loss or difficulty sleeping.
• What’s the Purpose of Growing Old?
  We are all going to grow old…if we are lucky. But not everyone is able to find meaning in the process. However, there are some important steps we can take to bring meaning and purpose no matter how old (read: decrepit) we feel. We can begin by looking for meaning in the lives around us. I found this in Paul....
• When Saying ‘No’ Becomes A Prayer
  When Saying 'No' Becomes a PrayerI've come to believe that one of our most powerful prayers isn't found in ancient liturgies or morning devotions - it's in the ...
• When Should a Should be Eliminated?
  Would you like to eliminate all the 'shoulds' and 'oughtas' from the English language? Where do they originate and what would the impact be if that were to happen? And what role does creative expression play in overcoming the inner voices of 'should'?
• When Should You Call Hospice?
  Are you afraid to call for hospice care when someone you love is very ill? We will all die. And if we are fortunate, we will have enough of a heads-up to...
• When You Sit With a Dying Person
  How to look beyond grief and find peace while sitting at the bedside of a loved one who is dying is explained in comparison to childbirth. The joy of a miracle doesn't have to be limited to the beginning of life.
• Why I Will Not Fight Illness
  Long ago, I decided not to fight illness anymore. I have more adventurous things to do that don’t leave much time or energy for fighting a battle. One in five people in our country has a disability because of genetics, accident, illness, or war -  a sad reality.
• Will you be having fun when you are old?
  Is having fun possible when you reach a point in life where every joint aches, you can’t hear conversations and you forget everyone’s name and who is President?
• Wisdom from Dekker
  Welcome to Dekker’s canine counsel for issues that plague people…but not often other dogs. Why is that? We may never know, but listening to our furry companions can be one source of wisdom easy to overlook.
• Would You Choose Aging or Youth?
  IF you had a choice would you choose aging or perpetual youth? Suppose for a moment that aging was completely voluntary…that you could choose to remain young, vital and healthy for a lifetime. What are the positives to that?