Why Is It So Hard To Pray When Someone Asks
Why is it so hard to pray when someone asks? What is it that makes prayer something that many people do in private but shy away from if asked to do it publically?
This makes an assumption that the person asked to pray has a belief system that includes acceptance of a Divine presence in their lives, regardless of the name.
If asked, perhaps at a public supper, would you find it difficult to offer a table grace in a public place?
Or a few words of encouragement to a couple getting married? Something appropriate at the launching of a boat? (Not that I have ever broken a champagne bottle over a yacht but that’s the image that comes to my mind as I sit here writing.)
And what do you do if you have been asked to pray for someone who is very sick, and they mean right then, right there, on that spot?
Have you ever been asked to open a meeting with a few ‘words of prayer’ while everyone looks at you?
Clergy aren’t exempt
I made my living for years as a minister. Every week I was called upon to speak and pray, even when I couldn’t find the words to express my feelings.
People often turned to me in public situations and asked if I would bless the food or open the meeting with prayer.
I often wondered why me! I don’t have any better tools to connect to the Divine than any other person.
And then, I realized it wasn’t about my training, education, or experience. Or the collar I wore.
In fact, their desire for me to do the praying wasn’t even about me.
It was about them— and a need they had for prayer that they didn’t feel equipped to meet by themselves.
When I retired due to medical issues, I found myself in great need of prayer…yet I was speechless!
The only words I could find sounded more like a grumble or a rant. I didn’t understand this world of pain and loss. Have you ever felt a need to pray, but there were no words?
That is when I discovered that I didn’t need liturgy, prayer books, or someone to pray for me to access the power of the Divine.
I needed some simple, repetitive ways to connect with what I call Mystery. You may call this the Universe, God, or Higher Power.
The most common fear
Research tells us that the most common fear for all people is public speaking. Standing before a crowd of people, you hear a voice inside…you know, the voice that arises from a nagging set of doubts and fears —What do I say? I am not ‘worthy’ to be speaking. What if I forget my words?
Even though I spent years in ministry, I can share with you that I have not stepped before a group of people to speak without a voice inside saying, “How dare you, Ardis? Who do you think you are?”
What does your inner voice say to you when you are asked to speak in front of other people?
These same fears are present when we are asked to say grace before a meal or pray for someone at their bedside.
Fears about finding the right words even crop up when we are all alone and want say a meaningful prayer before going to bed.
So you may recite a childhood prayer or the Lord’s Prayer and turn over to sleep, with a feeling that there was more you wanted to say, but you couldn’t find the words.
The Problem with Words
Well, we don’t need words to pray. Words separate us. They separate us from each other when used in doctrines and interpretations.
And words separate us from our Source of wisdom and strength when we worry about what people will think.
We use different words when we try to talk about the ineffable, that which cannot be described.
Consider a person in recovery who speaks of his ‘Higher Power,’ or a naturalist talking about being bathed by the beauty of the forest, while a Buddhist sits in silence and a Muslim chants, just down the street from the Baptist reciting the prayers she was taught as a child.
If you eliminated all the words, what remains? Different people seek to connect with something, someone, some essence beyond themselves. It is ironic that it is in silence that we are finally united in our divergent faiths.
Some Difficulties that People Experience
So what do you do when someone asks you to pray? What if you don’t believe in God but want to help your friend?
Do you nod your head and cross your fingers that they aren’t meaning right now, right at this moment?
Do you feel guilty knowing that, for many different reasons, you will go on with your day without praying?
Or do you want to pray but don’t know how to overcome the inner fears of praying in front of another person?
Do you get on social media and let the world know that someone is standing in need of prayer?
Passing on a need for prayer is a good way to respond, but do you feel off the hook of actually praying yourself?
Is there a handbook about prayer? Mmm…yes…many! But ironically, they are written in words, and each path has a different ‘handbook.’
Perhaps you are a closet atheist, and they are a devout Jew. Most of us would hesitate to tell someone who has asked for prayer in a time of distress that our beliefs don’t allow that (if that is the case). Or perhaps closer to the truth, we are afraid to speak aloud. So what can you say?
Do you see the dilemma here? I believe that people are basically good and will be kind when someone asks for prayer. But these same people simultaneously will be saying their own prayer “Please don’t ask me. I wouldn’t know what to say.”
A Simple Alternative
And so what could be a powerful moment of connection in many different directions is thwarted by our discomfort with words. And yet, prayer does not need words.
If we don’t believe in prayer, or we do but are struck speechless, we can acknowledge the importance of connecting with the Divine for another person by our presence and our willingness to listen.
If we do believe in prayer but feel tongue-tied, we can hold a sacred space for another by listening in silence.
One prayer method that works well is to ask, “If God (or the universe…or whatever language works for them) were here now, what would you ask for? After they share the answer to that question, a simple “Amen, may it be so” is all the prayer that is needed.
Prayer is holding holy space in quietness and connection,
allowing the burden on our hearts to move
beyond human discourse and to
wait for Mystery, with
or without words.
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