The Benefits of Preparing for Death—It’s not as morbid as you think
Do you find yourself avoiding any thoughts about death…your own or that of someone you love? You would be among the majority. But the benefits of preparing for death are worth a conversation.
There will even be some readers who read no further, but let me encourage you to stick with this just a little bit.
How we view death is impacted by many factors that are not the same for everyone:
- the age when you experienced your first death (pet or person),
- how your family or community mourns or celebrates,
- complications like extended suffering or sudden death, and
- your relationship to the deceased.Grieving and sorrow are intimately entwined with loss and bring pain that we understandably want to avoid.My intention in writing about death is to help you prepare for this eventuality, whether of your dog, your spouse or yourself, because failing to do so may put you or your loved one at great risk.
What are the risks of not getting ready for your final day or that of a loved one?
Not accepting death
One of the biggest risks is a lack of acceptance or denial about death. With my mind, I can affirm that everything is going to die.
I have known this since I was a little girl when I went fishing with my Dad and watched him whack a flopping fish over the head and then remove the scales and bones from what became our supper.
Death at that age was impersonal and happened to animals…not people. Death was something I could dissect and study (or eat).
It was only twenty-five years or so later that my father succumbed to cancer, and I experienced raw, devastating feelings of grief and sorrow.
I knew he was dying, but I wasn’t prepared for its aftermath.
I fought with my mother, who couldn’t accept his death, blaming it on the doctors and telling me I didn’t have enough faith that he would live.
I had to navigate a minefield of emotions that I had never felt and had no one to talk with about. I suffered for years.
I buried my father with many unasked questions, unshared memories, and no idea of his final wishes…except that he left me as executor of his estate. This was something I knew nothing about, and I felt intrusive as I waded through all his personal legal affairs.
I buried my feelings and anxieties, eventually needing professional support to keep from drowning.
Fear of death
Failing to discuss death with loved ones can create a sense of fear and anxiety that doesn’t need to be added to the grief and sorrow.
And failure to make end-of-life plans leaves an unintended and difficult burden on those we love. Although I was faced with financial decisions about some properties, and I could only guess what he would have wanted, the most difficult part was supporting my mother from a place of deep brokenness within myself.
Would this have been different if death had been an openly acknowledged event, with conversations around our table as a regular practice with opportunities to share our fears and doubts, expectations, and even resources like where to find documents?
The pain might have been very much the same. Grief is not a respecter of being prepared.
The Problem of Waiting
It would have been possible and even probable, however, to carry that grief with spiritual strength and shared understanding of others.
And that sharing had to begin long before death. Long before serious illness. And long before old age.
My father was not an old man, barely 61 years old. I am certain that you have at least someone in your circle who refuses to talk about death, to plan early, or even to consider that it is important.
But don’t let that stop you.
To wait until death seems imminent is foolish. We have no control over a bus careening out of control, boating accidents, or even being hit by a falling boulder—which actually happened to a child of someone I know.
How to Talk About Death
One approach is to tie your ‘death talk’ to a particular event like Thanksgiving, or a family cookout, or a birthday…and repeat it every year. I know one family that has ‘the talk’ on a special anniversary of losing a loved one.
Once you get over the squeemies about bringing the subject up, you may find your descendants longing to hear stories you have never shared, or with hopes that you never throw out that old fishing box, or to ‘please not give them Grandma’s old china.’
So, how do we begin this kind of conversation? For some families, a simple announcement with dessert would work.
Others may feel too threatened by the idea. “What is she saying? Is she going to die? Why are we having this conversation?”
Death discussed in tiny bits is easier to engage. You might share about losing a pet, or a discussion of unique burials you have read about, or even the demise of the mosquito you just slapped on your arm.
The goal is to normalize the conversation, to hear others’ anxieties, and to be present to each other’s thoughts, ideas and wishes.
Soon you will be able to add discussions about things like where your written desires are kept (You do have them, don’t you??).
If you haven’t begun yet to make plans for the end of your own life, a good place to begin is the book by Judith Guertin —
The paperback gives you any form or document you might want to use. If you get the ebook, the forms are accessible online. You choose the ones that are appropriate for your situation.
Taking Practical Steps
If you haven’t already, another important step is to engage an elder lawyer. This person will see that you have your i’s dotted and t’s crossed. But I want to say again this doesn’t take the place of conversations with loved ones.
And not just one talk. Repetition normalizes what has become taboo in many families.
Don’t leave your kids or friends to wonder what it is you really want done with your stuff, how you feel about burial vs. cremation, or what to do with finances and legalities.
And most importantly, don’t put off saying “I love you” to those who need to hear it. Share your stories, write letters to your grandchildren, and celebrate life!
Do it now. It will be one less thing to regret when the day comes to whisper your last goodbye.
Here are a couple more posts on the acceptance of death you may enjoy.
Two Ways to Begin Practicing for Death
A Positive View of the End of Life
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