How To Begin Again When You Fail
Always We Begin Again
Are you hard on yourself because you never finish anything? Because you failed a class, a relationship, a commitment, a dream?
One day you set out on a journey in one of these areas or another and never arrive because you take a detour for many different reasons. Some understandable. Others not so much.
“Always we begin again.” Grounding words of St Benedict. Words that speak a gentle truth when we find ourselves up against a brick wall of failure.
I have spent a lifetime starting over. From taking 36 years to finish my college degrees; divorce and death ending two marriages; and living with MS, which has exacerbated and gone into remission several times, ‘beginning again’ is a familiar friend.
Having the mind of a beginner has allowed me to fail repeatedly and not go down a sinkhole of self-recrimination and shame.
Each day when I arise with the sun, I begin again. Like a toddler learning to walk, I hold a bit of excitement and enthusiasm to get back up and take another step.
I approach the day with wonder, even though it may follow a yesterday of false starts and dead ends.
This state of mind, called ‘beginner’s mind’ in Buddhism, is a state of awareness that recognizes everything as new. It helps keep us from becoming arrogant with how much we know or flaunting our expertise based on academic credentials, unique life experiences or inherited genius. I mean how important can we be, sitting in a puddle, anyway?
One Problem With Growing Older
One of the problems of growing older is that we tend to put expectations on our toddling selves to get it ‘right’—to stop falling on our tushes.
Expectations are essential for educators, but I don’t think little children care if they are walking or talking at the right age. They wake up each day and reach out for life, irrespective of how others reach or achieve.
They feel the cold of a snowflake on their cheek and giggle. They are not distracted by an impending blizzard or power outage.
As we age, we tend to cling to a lifetime of data telling us to ‘be prepared for the worst.’ And then, during a crisis (or pandemic), we struggle to stay grounded.
So how do we get back to ‘beginner’s mind’ – that place of quiet joy in the simple act of picking ourselves up and starting over again, with no burden of shame? With no expectations of achievement?
When we bring the heart and mind of a beginner to anything we are doing, whether that is a creative project, a relationship, or even daily chores, we are bringing in deep wisdom that is inaccessible to minds full of judgment and guilt.
And A Little Kitten Shall Teach Them
Please don’t laugh, but I think the answer may well be in kittens. If you have raised kittens, you know exactly what I am talking about.
With great curiosity, they will up-end wastebaskets to see what there is in there. Give them a box to hide in with a pile of packing paper, and they will explore those as something new.
Every time. Even if they spent the whole day before doing the same thing. Beginner’s mind personified. Or would that be kittenized?
So what does it feel like to use ‘beginner’s mind?’ There is a feeling of wonder. Of curiosity. Of newness to each thing we do. Yes, even loading the dishwasher.
Beginner’s mind doesn’t do much thinking. But it does do a lot of watching. Let’s go back to the kittens again. The ones chasing a red light around a room and leaping for what? Do they care? Or are they present to light and motion and their cat instincts?
Joy Like Manna
When we have lived many years responding to other people’s agendas we can lose our awareness of our true calling. What were we created to be? Our physical instincts are somewhat intact, but spiritually we can become numb to the little flashing moments of joy that circle our lives like a tiny red light.
Spiritual numbness comes from living everywhere but in the present moment.
With thoughts racing ahead to what to make for tomorrow night’s supper and back to the letter we didn’t get mailed yesterday, we miss the opportunity to pounce on a current moment of bliss or insight.
I know if I could, I would grasp the bliss and keep it for the rest of the day, perhaps stock-piling joy in zip-lock bags for a time when things go sour, and I will need it. I forget that joy is like manna. Savored for each moment but not preserved for the future or bartered for something else.
Always We Begin Again
St. Benedict’s words, “Always we begin again,” together with the Buddhist teaching of “Beginner’s Mind,” gives us the way to embrace life in each moment fully. We can let go of tomorrow and yesterday. We can release our failures. Together with the sunrise, we can begin again each day. Each hour. Each moment. And therein lies our manna of joy!
Always we begin again.
To read more about this Benedictine way of life click here.
[Photo Credits from Unsplash : man at crossroads by Caleb-Jones; kitten in bag by Brusk-Dede; child in snow by Til-Jentzsch; sunrise by Dawid-Zawila; children jumping in joy by Robert Collins]
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