HOW TO FORGIVE WHEN IT HURTS
(Photo by LinaTrochez on Unsplash)
HOW DO WE FORGIVE?
How do we forgive when we have been betrayed? Is it possible to move forward while still bleeding from the wounds?
In a society that tells us to “get over it”, what do we do with the secret of our rage? What do we do with the pain and anger and fear?
After all, life must go on. There are dishes to do and bills to pay and a garden to weed. If you have ever felt flattened by another person’s unfortunate words or hurtful actions, you know exactly what I am talking about.
A FORGIVENESS HACK
But forgiveness isn’t all that easy, is it? We recite prayers of forgiveness for ourselves and for others with sincere intentions to forgive. And then rise up from our prayer mats and realize our teeth are still clenched.
I have used almost every hack I ever learned to release my anger at betrayal. When I had a wood stove, one of my favorites was to recapture what happened to me on a sheet of paper, together with my feelings in all their bloody horror. I would address it to the one who had hurt me and put it in the firebox.
As I watched the edges curl, just before turning to flame and then to smoke, I had a moment’s grace. I knew I had released my pain and my sorrow. I knew my anger was wending its way up the chimney and on into a Universe of healing love (Photo by David-von-Diemar on Unsplash)
WHEN HACKS DON’T WORK
But then the fire burned out. The ashes grew cold. Soon images of my betrayal seemed to flare up again in my spirit as if nothing had ever happened.
There is an old song titled “It Only Takes a Spark To Get a Fire Going.” It is a song written to remind us that one little act of kindness may be the spark that keeps love alive.
However, the same principle holds for anger, hurts, and doubts that live in our hearts. Even one tiny shred of memory is enough to get the fire of resentment raging again.
Sometimes it isn’t even conscious memory. If we receive insults to our soul when we are very young, the wound lands in an area of the brain called the amygdala, sometimes called the reptilian brain. This ‘reptile’ part of us does no thinking. It only reacts. Like a snapping turtle, sometimes. So when we find ourselves, years or decades later, unable to let go of a hurt, we know the turtle has been poked with a stick and isn’t about to loosen its jaws.
WHERE DOES FORGIVENESS COME FROM?
My initial reaction is to ‘fix’ myself so that I am a forgiving, gentle, and spiritually healthy person. It took me half my lifetime (so far) to learn that I can’t forgive by willpower alone. That is like asking a turtle to be a soft furry kitten. So, where does forgiveness come from if it isn’t from our sincere intentions?
Stories of Jesus about sweating blood in the garden of Gethsemane are a graphic portrayal of the extent of sorrow that can arise from betrayal. We hear his prayer from the cross that his executioners be forgiven by God, and God (Allah, Great Spirit, Universe) may be the only Source of forgiveness that we will ever have access to. 
Now, I am a pragmatic person. When I read that I am to forgive my neighbor (and to my knowledge, all religions have some form of the golden rule), I want to know what to do with my feelings. Am I relegated to go the rest of my life saying “that’s OK” and continue taking tranquilizers and acid reflux pills?
FINDING FORGIVENESS THROUGH POETRY
One of my favorite poets, Rumi, wrote a well-known poem – The Guest House. Rumi directly addresses the problem of what to do with the feelings that we try to stuff or ‘let go of.’ The answer is not repentance. Having hurtful feelings is not a sin and doesn’t need to be confessed. (Having fantasies of revenge is another issue).
Hospitality was a central virtue in ancient times, if not the most important. Our culture, parents, and teachers taught us politeness towards visitors in our home, yet we often sigh with relief when they leave. I don’t remember teachings about visitors to my inner home until I began to meditate with some excellent teachers. It was from a program of MBSR training at UMass Medical Center based on the work of John Kabat Zinn that I first learned about The Guest House.
THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Jellaludin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks
FORGIVENESS AND HOSPITALITY
Today when I want to ‘face plant’ because of a depressing thought about my failure to forgive, I respond with, “Oh, it’s you again!” to these intrusive ideas. I know they are not going to go away, and they move along about as fast as you would expect a big turtle to move.
Sometimes it feels as if my inner landscape is a zoo for endangered species! When I look at the sorrows I try to shed and the dark thoughts and shame I don’t want anyone to know about, I feel as helpless as a caged monkey.
However, these thoughts and feelings are as much a part of me as joy and peace in the same way as a dark night is part of a complete day. What I let go of, if anything, is all the energy it takes to shoo these feelings away or at least keep them hidden. That’s a lot of energy—energy I could use to move ahead and discover life after betrayal. (Photo by Ayush-Sharma on Unsplash)
EVIDENCE OF FORGIVENESS
(Photo by Fuu-J on Unsplash)
Living life to the fullest is the best revenge! It is evidence that forgiveness happens, despite my struggles. Mystery!
The hurt no longer rages because I haven’t betrayed my own feelings. I no longer rent space in my soul to someone who has hurt me once already, and I am free to be a channel of grace from the Source of all forgiveness to others.
May you discover the power of Hospitality to bring forgiveness to your soul today.
