WHAT TO DO WHEN WILLPOWER FAILS
Why does willpower fail us when our intentions are so good?
- Why is it so difficult to let go of unhealthy or unwanted behavior? Or take a different path to reach goals? Or finish a given project with all the distractions that get in the way? We believe with a bit more will power, we can walk away from destructive habits or overcome temptations, and we use all the tips and tricks we can find:
- writing out intentions
- making to-do lists
- reading motivational books
- confess shortcomings,
- Prayer and practice.
Still, the challenge of avoiding a box of chocolates wins the day. Our resistance to make necessary changes in life is greater than our will power to do so. (Photo by Vincent-van-Zalinge on Unsplash)
A GAME OF CATCH BECOMES A LIFE LESSON IN WILLPOWER
A simple game of catch with my five-year-old son taught me one of life’s greatest lessons.
Ain’t no ball ever bounced ‘afore it hit bottom.
You may recognize the pattern–
Lob a ball in a gentle arc in his direction
Watch his outstretched hands reach for the ball
Cheer his success at catching it mid-stream
Move closer to receive his courageous return toss
And toss it again–and again–and again.
On one particularly ambitious toss, the ball slipped through my son’s waiting fingers, hit the ground before him, and bounced.
It bounced in a new direction, rolling downhill, careening off a bicycle in its path, coming to rest by a small oak tree.
I stopped and stared in awe.
“What is it, Mommy?” Andy asked with confusion in his eyes as I stood and watched the ball bounce it’s way along this unpredictable trajectory.
How could I explain deep insights into life to a five-year-old?
I turned towards him and proclaimed with the authority of new understanding,
“Ain’t no ball ever bounced ‘afore it hit bottom!”. (Photo by Karla-Rivera on Unsplash)
I knew I had discovered a life lesson that would give me understanding and compassion and patience along my life’s journey, and now a five-year-old asks why I am just standing there instead of running after the ball. His eyes blinked in confusion.
“Of course not, Mom. It’s called ‘dribbling.’ You ought to see Michael Jackson dribble the ball! He can really bounce it!
”
Now I have seen a few basketball games in my life, but never with this insight.
DISCOVERING WILLPOWER
BY HITTING BOTTOM
I struggle every day with something that needs changing.
Perhaps a habit that needs releasing, a skill that needs developing, a goal that needs refiguring, a dream that invites me to follow.
How many times have I thrown up my hands in dismay because I can’t affect any of these changes by desire alone?
Intention and will power will not, by itself, effect a difference in my behavior.
A ball in flight is not going to change direction without hitting something that will change its course.
If you have never ‘hit bottom’ or the proverbial ‘wall, then you may not understand what I am trying to say.
Hitting the wall doesn’t have to be a major moral crisis. Nor is it only when you receive papers for bankruptcy or divorce.
Naturally, these things matter, but there are little ‘bottoms’ every day.
The bottom happens when we spend our last dime on chocolates or wine or overdraft fees. And it’s time to pay the rent.
Often, before that point, like a ball in mid-air, there is nothing to change our course of action. (Photo by Jordan-Johnson on Unsplash)
We do what comes naturally–filling our lives with delicacies or credit card purchases because they are there, there is money in our pocket, and we want it.
Like a ball in mid-air, these choices follow a predictable arc.
WHERE BOTTOM IS,
IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
‘Bottom’ is different for everyone.
For some people, running out of oil to heat their homes is enough to impact their choices.
For others, it takes a loved one throwing up their hands, saying, “I can’t do this anymore,” and walking out.
One of my bottoms was hospitalization for what boiled down to not taking care of myself.
In another situation, it was rolling (and totaling) my car on a dark, icy road because I was driving too fast for the conditions.
My life bounced like a ball in both of these situations.
I didn’t need to use will power. Nor did I need to ‘try harder.’
I was sent on a new trajectory by the impact of my actions. My actual reflexes changed.
I am not suggesting that we do nothing when we know a change is needed.
It’s like tossing the ball to those outstretched hands. I adjusted my toss to the circumstances.
When his eyes were following and his feet solidly planted on the turf, I tossed with a bit more vigor and better aim.
When he was distracted, I knew to use a gentle underhand with the ball.
So it is in life.
We make little adjustments and decisions every moment.
Another scoop of ice cream, a few dollars for something shiny, a heavier foot on the gas pedal.
When I do these things, I have learned to keep an eye out for the ‘wall.’
What things are in my path that if my life bumps into them, I am going to go careening down a hill in a direction I never intended?
Because the wall or bottom is always there! Something or someone will step into our path and completely change where we thought we were headed. (Photo by Jamie-Street on Unsplash)
Not everything is harmful when it comes to balls hitting something unintended.
Falling in love will change a trajectory for sure! Having children or inheriting money. Or Winning the lottery. Changing careers or retiring also redirects the ‘ball.’
ARE WE CAPTAINS OF OUR OWN LIFE?
So, are we the ‘captains’ of our own life?
My answer is both yes and no.
We get to choose to stay in the game, and we get to keep our eyes on the ball.
At the same time, we have no control over obstacles that appear out of nowhere.
I notice, though, that the more I keep my ball in play, the more I practice, the better my aim, the faster my footwork. And the less the ball hits something to send it off course.
I used to say when having fun, “I’m having a ball.”
I now realize I AM the ball.
And when life isn’t going the way, I planned I remember “Ain’t no ball ever bounced ‘afore it hit bottom” …and that is not necessarily a bad thing!
You may wish to journal about your life as a bouncing ball.
What do you do when you find yourself bouncing in many different directions?
Have you ever hit ‘bottom’ only to find yourself in a path you would never have chosen?
How did this change your life?
I invite you to share your reflections below.
