WHAT IS BREAKING A VOW?
Very young when I made my first vow, I was to learn early how breaking a vow happens. When I was 5 1/2 years old I lived upstairs from my friend Patty’s apartment. We decided to become ‘blood sisters.’
Taking a needle from my mother’s sewing box, we poked our tender fingertips to release blood (and a few squeals), which, when mingled together, would make us ‘sisters’ through some mystery we didn’t understand but believed with our whole hearts.
(Photo by Janko-Ferlic on Unsplash)
WHEN VOWS CANNOT BE FULFILLED
We vowed to be friends forever. ‘Forever’ lasted about a year or until my family moved away.
I have made several solemn pledges in my life. With the best of intentions and ceremony, I stood before altars vowing my love in marriage, only to discover that a vow under the right pressure, isn’t as binding as a can of Bondo.
There are forces more potent than the promises I have spoken. Death is one of those forces.
I speak not only of that which makes us widows and widowers, but also that which arrives unbidden in other areas of our lives. A loved one who moves away. A dream that will never come to pass. A major illness that interrupts plans and alters capacity to fulfill a promise.
I knelt before a bishop once with hundreds of witnesses and vowed to uphold the church’s rules and customs as an ordained minister.
Some of these rules proved antiquated and unjust, and I could no longer support them. I silently placed the Book of Discipline back on the shelf.
WE BREAK SOME VOWS REGULARLY
Our dreams may come crashing around us with bankruptcy after we vowed to pay our creditors by signing on the bottom line.
Forces beyond our control impact the viability of our promises. Medical bills. Loss of a job. A failing economy. Suddenly we can no longer keep our commitment to the bank. (Photo by Avery-Evans on Unsplash)
My friend’s daughter, Sally, is a young woman saddled with mental illness and substance abuse who dearly loves her two children.
She vows to ‘be the best mother possible.’ I know her vows are sincere. Currently battling severe depression, she struggles to keep this vow. She isn’t very successful at this moment.
On a less serious note, how many of us resolve to lose weight or give more to charity? To be a better person or learn something new? (Photo by Kiy-Turk on Unsplash)
Whether we call them vows, promises, intentions, or commitments, we have all included them somehow in our lives.
A simple to-do list is a statement of intention to which we may or may not give our allegiance.
WHY DO WE MAKE A VOW
IF WE KNOW WE WILL BREAK IT?
I make a solemn oath because I want to acknowledge a life-changing course of action I am about to take.
I want others to witness my intent, for there is power in the accountability of a public declaration.
Lifting a glass of champagne after some of my vows to love and to serve, to parent, to pay, I am thankful for the people in my life who witness my leaps of faith. (Photos by Scott-Warman and Perry-Grone on Unsplash)
They give me courage – and second and third chances to get it right. They hold me accountable.
The strength of a vow is not in my willpower but the strength of the community that receives it.
My heart quivers for relationships that begin at the courthouse without close friends as witnesses and no follow up celebration.
I worry about people who take out a credit card and tell no one what they’re doing.
We need the power inherent in a public declaration of our commitment, whether that is to the family, profession, a spiritual calling, or 12-step programs.
WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF BREAKING A VOW?
(Photo by Aimee-Vogelsang on Unsplash)
As a person who has entered into many relationships—personal and familial, professional, financial, spiritual—I have made pledges of faithfulness and invited witnesses to celebrate with me.
Do I return the gifts from my well-wishers after the divorce? Should I hide in shame when I move my family out of our home to a small apartment because of bankruptcy?
I want to deny that I have broken every vow I have ever made at some point in time. How do I hold my head high and go forward?
“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn’t matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” ― Jelaluddin Rumi
“Success is not final, and failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”― Winston S. Churchill
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
After more than seven decades, I have had a lot of practice, and this is what I have learned about broken promises, given or received.
I have learned not to live my life in despair or shame. I can return and begin again. My courage, like the sun, rises new every morning. (Read The Mystery of the Dawn)
I have learned not only can I begin again, nothing I have experienced is fatal. (Clearly, or I would not be sitting here writing about this now).
And I have learned about Grace – how to receive it and how to give it.
I shall continue to pledge my heart to those I love ‘forever’ knowing I will fail them, and one day I will die.
I shall promise creation not to abuse or waste its gifts, knowing that I will continue to eat packaged foods and heat my house with oil.
However, there is one vow I will never take, and it is the vow of perfection. As Salvador Dali said, “Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.”
