Pain is a Given – Suffering is a Choice
‘Pain is a given; suffering is a choice’. What on earth does this mean? And how does it apply to our lives?
I think we can all agree that life includes pain. It may be from sticking yourself with a needle while you sew, running out of gas on a busy highway, or being rejected by someone you thought was a friend.
We are born in pain and enter this world bawling. We leave this world in pain, if not in a cloud of morphine quenching that pain’s sharp edges. Or it may be the ache of unfilfilled desires and promises. There is no escaping pain. Where there is life, there is pain.
But is it necessary that we suffer with this pain
or do we have choices?
Recently I needed a haircut. I am not talking a little trim here…it was more like it needed to be mowed. I had missed an appointment, sent a message of regret and waited…and waited…and waited to hear back for another appointment.
My hairdresser is wonderful for cutting hair but slow at answering texts. My angst continued to grow as I pushed what had been bangs back over the top of my head, making me appear related to Elvis Presley.
It was painful to look in the mirror, but my suffering came from thinking about it, from avoiding a social event because of it, from focusing on the growing problem (pun intended) instead of brushing it back (or finding a new hairdresser) and getting on with the myriad of life-giving things I could be doing instead—all things that I had a choice about.
Failure is a given, guilt is a choice
A close cousin to the pain and suffering reality is the relationship between failure and guilt.
Sometimes we have to make a choice in one area of our lives that creates failure in another. My reality is I live with a chronic health problem that on occasion saps all my strength so I cannot keep a commitment I had made earlier. I failed not because I ‘am’ a failure but because I was honoring my personal reality.
Sometimes our reality includes a family member who is in the hospital, or a furnace that goes on the blink in the middle of a blizzard. We must stop what we are doing and attend to these things.
But then we miss a deadline or let someone down. It is bad enough to fail, but when we add guilt on top of that it is similar to the pain and suffering examples earlier.
So why do we feel guilty for honoring our reality
and then coming up short in meeting our goals?
A deeper answer to this question could be asked of a neuropsychologist who can discuss early childhood trauma. But at a simpler level, I know if I fail because I honored my reality it is an objective consequence of something I have no control over.
Life happens. Life includes both pain and failure. Choosing to castigate myself on top of that doesn’t help me at all. I do have the power to mitigate feelings of guilt if not eliminate them all together. Like suffering, guilt only makes the problem worse. The moment we understand the difference it allows us to make a choice, we can reboot and start again.
What to do with suffering and guilt
The reality for most of us is that sometimes the best we can do is ignore suffering and guilt. This is directly opposite to what I have written in other places about showing hospitality to everything that comes into our lives. How can we do that with suffering and guilt?
I use a journal but some people use something called an angst jar—also used for any yucky things that happen. An empty pickle jar or small canister works perfectly.
When something happens that starts to feel painful we often have an inner monologue ( “blah blah blah”). This needs to be expressed before it builds up inside. If the pain comes from another, write to them, if it comes from self, write to self, fold it up, add a blessing, and put it in the jar (or journal).
Whenever you feel like going back to it you can redirect yourself (“it’s in the jar”)…eventually it works, allowing us to honor the feelings instead of denying them altogether.
Ignoring suffering makes it hide and explode later
Having a space where you can put feelings, ideas, and all sorts of angsts is important in order to move on with either pain or failure. Without a place for suffering or guilt to live, we end up adding fear that these feelings will never end.
When I was in high school I played the trumpet. One thing I especially liked about that instrument is it can play loud! You might call it my angst jar of those years.
When I felt really ticked off by something I could pick up that horn and just wail. Something about pouring my breath…my soul…into music delivered me from letting loose on other people. And a side benefit to using music this way — I learned to be a pretty good trumpet player.
I also studied violin, but I never got to that place with a stringed instrument. I needed to expel my breath to release my suffering and guilt.
So for some, an angst jar works. Others may pour their suffering and failures into art, or music or gourmet cuisine. It’s not easy, and or even possible, until we realize the choices and means we have to let them live somewhere else.
What is your ‘angst jar’?
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