How to Say Goodbye – For The Last time
Sooner or later we are all called to say goodbye…for the last time. When the day arrives, whether it is your own end-of-life or that of a loved one, do you know how or what to say?
I think about this a lot, probably because I have been called to say goodbye too many times recently. It isn’t easy. I honestly don’t know if an article on how to say goodbye will make it any easier, but it is a place to begin.
When I opened the door to talking about death a few weeks back, I received many comments about the need to have these conversations a long time before the last day is on the horizon.
But what do you do or say when that moment comes? Here are some of my thoughts about that.
First, the most important thing to remember is that your words need to come from your heart and reflect your emotions.
Too often, in an attempt to”be brave” we squelch our true, and often ragged, feelings because we don’t want the other person to “feel bad.”
I have news for you. Everyone feels bad— or scared, or sad. Maybe even curious or relieved.
Tender feelings, grief, and sometimes downright rage are dancing around in the hearts of everyone at this time. These feelings are softened by good memories, a positive personal worldview of death, and a sense of relief that the struggle is ending.
The end of life is not the time to pontificate about theories of the afterlife, nor is it a time to avoid talking about death altogether.
Say goodbye – short and simple
Let it arise from your heart and not from your brain. Our brains are notorious for thinking too much, rationalizing away difficult encounters, and for helping us keep our distance from something that frightens us.
If your goodbye emerges from your heart, steeped in feelings instead of thoughts, you will experience the power and grace to release your fears and welcome the unknown that lies ahead.
I did not know how to do this when my dad died over forty years ago. His brain cancer prevented him from verbalizing for the last six months of his life, and in our time together, I safely (I thought) held my words of gratitude, sorrow, fear, and love within my heart as I tried to attend to his physical needs.
I thought I was showing him love and gratitude by my actions and that it wouldn’t help him if he saw my fear and sorrow.
I wept alone.
He died ‘alone.’
I denied him the chance to give me the one thing he had…his presence to my fear and sorrow. That is what my dad did best all my life. He shared his heart and his hopes, he shared his pride in my successes and forgave me many times over.
And I responded in the end with silence. Yes, I was present. I bathed him, changed the bed, helped him eat and shared the news of the day in the world and the family.
But oh, how I wish I had known how to say “Goodbye” in a way that he could have heard.
If I had it do over (and I will, for there are others I love deeply), I would reach into my heart and reveal my feelings. I would let him see my sorrow, confess my shortcomings and ask forgiveness, assure him I would be alright, and say those three little words, “I love you,” instead of hiding my feelings behind busyness and caregiving.
Say goodbye from the heart
On the other hand, if I am leaving behind loved ones on this journey into the unknown, I want to have spoken my heart.
I don’t want people I love not to have heard the words “I love you,” or to know they have been forgiven—or the many ways they have blessed my life.
Because I am enough of a realist to know that I might go out the door and get hit by a bus, I will not wait for that to happen. I want to speak these words every day to those closest to me.
But if I, like many peopole, die of an illness over a period of time, I will begin long before the diagnosis.
Today is a good time. There are people not in my everyday life who I treasure and I want to tell them so. I want to leave a legacy of love.
Here are some examples of what I want to say before I die—
- To show gratitude: “Thank you for the love, the moments, the memories. They’ll remain with me forever.”
- To show forgiveness: “Let’s not hang on to grudges. I forgive you and hope you can forgive me.”
- Sharing memories: “Do you remember when…? That was one of the best times of my life.”
- Leaving a legacy: “Please keep our traditions alive and share them with the younger ones.”
Other things you may want to say or give include blessings, advice, acceptance, wishes, acknowledgment of the meaning of a relationship, and perhaps most importantly, a simple farewell. And if it is true—“I love you!”
You may want to take the time to review this list and think about what you want to say when looking at the end of your life.
In keeping with the practice of talking about death regularly with loved ones, these statements can be repeated repeatedly.
How to say goodbye when a loved one dies
If it is not your life, but the life of a loved one that is coming to an end, here are some ideas of what to say…
- Affirmation – “You have made a difference in my life by…”
- A promise -“ I’ll keep your memory alive and ensure your legacy by…”
- Seeking guidance – “I’ll always remember the lessons you taught me. Please watch over me.”
- Shared memory – “Every time I see a _____ I’ll remember when____and I’ll think of you”
- A promise – “I promise to take care of the family and what holds us together.”
- Expressing pain -“ It is hard to let you go, but I’m grateful for the moments we’ve shared”
- Love declaration – I love you, always and forever.
And one of the most important things you can say gives them permission to die. Parents and spouses especially need to hear this if they have spent a lifetime loving, caring and guiding you. “You can go now. We will be all right. Thank you…”
Whether you say any of these things or something else at the end of life is a choice.
But death is not a choice.
May you find the strength to be vulnerable, to open your heart and to allow your feelings to live in the face of death.
Tell me where to send your Sunday Morning post…
