Life Challenges,  Spiritual Growth

How You Can Make Peace With Your Past

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Is it possible to make peace with your past?

man sitting in deep thoughtLearning how to make peace with your past can be a lifetime challenge. Did you ever wish you could have a “do-over” in life? Perhaps an opportunity to build a relationship that was sabotaged because you were too young to understand? How about a do-over of a financial investment that put you in bankruptcy?  

Or a chance to return to college and study art instead of the political science courses that put you in the center of government jobs that you’ve endured painfully all your life?

 I would love a chance for do-overs when it comes to parenting and to establish healthier habits than my sedentary lifestyle.

The deep pull for do-overs may be why the Benedictine reminder “Always we begin again” has such power. I keep this quote on a sticky note right in front of me.

We can do-AGAIN, but to do-OVER is a fantasy. We will never be twenty-one again.                                                    

 I sold a beloved old farmhouse for a song at a time in my life when I could no longer manage either the upkeep or the expenses. 

Someone else now keeps the fires burning there and builds their own memories. There will be no do-overs for me there. 

So how do we make peace with our past mistakes, losses and unfulfilled dreams? 

Here are some actions I use to take to let go of yesterday and live in the present.

1. Create a ritual of surrender

rings of wwater in a lake with mountains in the backI used to think that surrendering was an act of defeat and acknowledgment of failure.   Surrender CAN be defeat. When the bell is rung and I am on the bottom of the pile the game is over. I have lost. And the title is awarded to the prevailing winner. 

But I have learned a different mindset.  Surrender can also be an act of free will, an offering to the universe, a giving back with gratitude for what had been mine for a season. And a way to make peace with your past.

Although my tears may dampen this experience, there is no judgment. No struggle. In the loosening of my grasp, I am free to savor with gratitude what was and move more easily into what is.  

Here are some things that I have done over the years as rituals of surrender:

  • After writing out a description of a loss and its meaning, I crumpled it up to burn in an old woodstove. You might substitute a fire in a charcoal grill or ceramic bowl. 
  • I used a marker to draw what I wanted to release on a stone and flung it out to sea. I could have used a lake or a mountain top. Doesn’t matter. It is the act of releasing the weight of the stone that the body feels and remembers.
  • One thing I haven’t done, but I have thought about, is hosting a going-away party in honor of that which would never be back, celebrating with balloons, banners and good food and marking the date of release on a calendar. 

2. Celebrate this ritual on a regular basis  

man lifting burning incense in a ritual

We set aside days in our culture to celebrate everything from the changing of the seasons, to great victories, religious festivals, weddings, and anniversaries. Why not set a date to celebrate the freedom that comes with surrender? 

I have the date of a divorce. The date of a loved one’s death. The date I would have graduated from college if I hadn’t gotten married first. All sorrows that call for repeated surrender. I had to learn to make peace with past.

I know when I surrender to failure I am not alone. I have a world of company. And instead of failure, I am surrendering to hope, to Mystery, to God, to all that is good and holy.

I love to burn candles or incense in an act of release, letting the smoke rise in spirals that signal the end of what I decide I will no longer hold, and I let the rings stretch into an infinite universe of love and acceptance.

Sometimes I offer a statement of affirmation like one of the following. You might write one that suits your circumstance.

  • I remember with gratitude what was and receive with gratitude what is.
  • I release this memory to be held by the universe, setting me free to hold only what gives me life.
  • With the rising of this incense, I watch my grief lift from my heavy heart, and I will celebrate with joy its newfound lightness.

 3. Write a memoir

hands holding pen and paper while writingIn the process of writing my memoirs, whether that is in a journal for my eyes only, in letters to loved ones, or in a well-thought-out book, writing calls me to revisit all I have been clinging to. I have learned the process of writing them down is one way to loosen that grasp, giving my burdens a resting place. It is also a process of hospitality to myself and to the memories…and a way to make peace with your past.

  • Old events that are part of the fabric of my life. 
  • Pains and sorrows that touch my soft center and call me to be gentle. 
  • Deep grief for actions I can never take back bringing tears and heartache.
  • Heavy baggage I am tired of carrying 

Until we acknowledge the existence of what we are clinging to from the past, we are not free to dance into our future with unadulterated joy. 

Final thoughts

Making peace with the past does not eliminate memories, but it does remove the weight of judgment. 

Making peace with the past becomes a reason to celebrate, opening hearts to whatever may come in the future.

But most importantly, making peace with the past allows living fully in each moment.

[Photo credits fro Unsplash:  man feeling regret by nathan-dumlao; water-rings-by-will-truettner; ritual-by-jimmy-salazar; throwing-rock-by-anton-lecock]

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Ardis Mayo
Latest posts by Ardis Mayo (see all)

  • Margaret Lampasi

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    Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your gentle wisdom and inspiration. You’re a wonderful guide in living life more fully–and from a place of openness and joy. This post reminds me I need to use more rituals in my life. Whenever I have, they have been so meaningful and life-giving. Sort of a paradox of the universe that in letting go, we actually gain so much more. The key (or hard part!) is to trust it is so. That we are held in something so much bigger than us.

    • Ardis Mayo

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      Thank you for your kind words. I (we) would love to hear what rituals you come up with to celebrate your life. You can return here anytime to post them. I have observed that whether we trust the Universe or not, we are held nevertheless.

  • Lyn Brakeman

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    I have written my memoir once, twice, thrice now, each one deeper, each one more emotionally honest, and each one rewriting me.

    • Ardis Mayo

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      What an encouraging word for a difficult process! Thank you!

  • Sue

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    TY for writing this. In deep grief, and still in shock enough that I am forgetting to utilize the healing rituals, even small ones, that have worked in the past. I love what you wrote about releasing memories for the universe to hold, allowing me to hold only those that bring life. Freedom from darkness takes time and is possible. Time takes time.

    • Ardis Mayo

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      Sue, your statement “time takes time” is so profound. It inspires me to write about the agony (and ecstasy) of time. May you soon find relief as well as new strength through your journey of grief.

  • Kathy

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    Love this writing -I would love to print and tape to my cupboard to see daily. I cannot find a way to print-is it protected from printing? Thank you for all your beautiful insight

    • Ardis Mayo

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      Yes, Kathy, all posts are copy protected but if you (or anyone) would like any article, just let me know. I am happy to send a copy.

  • Francisca

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    Again your tender insights are marvelously woven into meaningful and helpful words, Ardis. I hear so often people say they carry regrets or other emotional baggage, and this post with its practical lessons would guide them well. It’s a mystery to me how I learned to let go of the past, especially my own mistakes. early in life. Maybe it was a combination of humility (understanding we are all imperfect perfect humans), confidence (knowing I was/am fundamentally a decent human), and poor memory! Thank you, Ardis.

    • Ardis Mayo

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      I thank you for your kind words, Francisca, and especially for lifting up the area we worry about the most as perhaps having some redeeming qualities we often don’t ‘remember’.

  • Patti

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    What a wonderful dose of Wisdom and Grace. “It is a process of hospitality to myself…” reminds me of how simple self compassion is yet we forget or do not validate the importance of this essential part of living a balanced life. This is such a lovely reminder. Thank you.

    • Ardis Mayo

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      Thank you for your kind words, born from a life of compassion and balance.

  • Judy Guertin

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    The gift of forgiveness is a gift of kindness you give to yourself. We all benefit by dropping the weight of regret. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, dear Ardis.

    • Ardis Mayo

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      You are so right, Judy. It often comes down to the challenge of how to release our grip on the wight!

  • Rev Anneli Sinkko

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    I’ve been on this rad quite often and very recently. I was counselling a person referred to me by her friend [not face to face counselling] and it went from bad to worse, No matter what I said it was taken the wrong way and ended not only her being misunderstood but me being very hurt.

    So I ended the relationship.

    But it started to eat me and I approached her again – and she was so happy to get me back.

    Sometimes we do not know what kind of situation good Lord throws us into and it is only by prayer, self examination and humility that we can move forward,