Five Things to Know About Grief and Loss
Grief is Eternal
Grief and loss are not respecters of persons. They visit the old, the young—and even our pets grieve with the loss of a longtime companion.
When a couple marry and spend a lifetime together, a ‘spouse-shaped’ hole is left in the heart when one dies.
Nothing else in life fills that hole perfectly. Not loving children, a satisfying career, or the beauty of a sunset. Not even another spouse, no matter how loving and supportive they may be.
Until there is a healing of the tissue surrounding the hole, it feels raw and painful. The condition, medically, is known as heartbreak and can be fatal to some people, but we won’t see grief listed on a coroner’s report.
It should be.
Grief is a frenetic thief, tearing into our lives to steal whatever peace and joy we have left lying around, leaving us to feel we might drown in an ocean of sorrow.
But something happens. We do not drown. Slowly our ocean of sorrow returns to a cycle of tides that wash in and out, and we learn to create life with this new rhythm.
The intensity of pain becomes a tender memory of love in which we can rest for the remainder of the journey.
And grief, though it never totally leaves, becomes tamed in ever more gentle waves upon the beaches of our hearts.
Pain is a given — Suffering is not
As long as we are alive, we will have pain, whether from getting hit by a falling brick, spraining an ankle, or experiencing abuse at the hands of another.
It is one indicator that we are still alive. The gift of pain receptors keeps us safe from things that have the potential to kill us. It’s why we seldom put our hands on a hot stove twice.
Suffering, on the other hand, is malleable. It is intimately connected to our mindset. A ‘growth’ mindset sends messages like, “This sucks, but it won’t last, it will change.” A ‘fixed’ mindset responds with, “I can’t take this. My pain will go on forever.”
It is often characterized by a victim response where the sufferer is sure that something outside themselves is causing their suffering, and they are powerless to do anything about it.
A growth mindset acknowledges the pain of sorrow and loss but knows that healing begins inside and leaves the sufferer feeling empowered to move beyond the pain. And here is the key – mindsets are malleable.
Loneliness is Impermanent
One of the biggest challenges after the loss of a loved one is loneliness. The house is empty. The table is missing a place setting. The bed is cold. And well-meaning friends don’t fill the gap. Loneliness just IS. “How long, O Lord?!” the cry of our hearts.
Buddhism teaches everything is impermanent. However, our human nature is to cling to whatever we are experiencing at the moment as being a reality set in stone.
Once I realized the truth of impermanence, my capacity for enduring things like a pandemic, or the winter cold, or my chocolate craving, became (almost) unlimited.
I say ‘almost’ because I still have a long way to go, but that comes with being human. When we think that whatever is going on is never-ending, we get overwhelmed and we despair of a brighter future.
In the same way that winter eventually merges into spring, so too does our capacity to merge into new and budding relationships after a long cold lonely season of loss.
The critical piece to remember is that a season of grief and loss is like a long winter. We can’t rush it. You might as well get a good book and pull up beside the fire.
“And this too shall pass” is a good mantra for us all.
Laughing Through Grief and Loss
When was the last time you had a perfect belly laugh? Is it even possible during a season of grief following the loss of a loved one?
It is not only possible but recommended. Laughter floods our bodies with ‘feel-good hormones – endorphins and dopamine – happy chemicals that increase our immune response to disease and act on pleasure centers in our brains.
Who needs cocaine when there is laughter?
The problem of allowing ourselves to laugh is rooted in limiting beliefs (I shouldn’t. I can’t.)
Would you hesitate to take a pill if the doctor told you it had no side effects and would relieve your suffering? What would your spouse want for you?
Sometimes, when we grieve we feel unfaithful if we allow ourselves to enjoy a funny story or a video of puppies tumbling down a snowbank.
When we fill out end-of-life medical directives, we might include our wishes for the surviving spouse. I would put “Laugh” as the first option. I don’t know any person who has loved another who would not want that for their beloved.
Joy Hasn’t Disappeared. It Only Feels That Way.
It is easy to wonder if the sun will ever come out again during the long dark days of winter. In the season of grief after losing a spouse, it can also seem that way.
Our lives rotate on an axis like the earth, changing its position to an ever-present Light of Joy.
Together with the moon and stars in the cosmos, we are suspended in a universe we do not control. But we can study it like the mariners of old who aligned their voyages by the stars’ positions.
Remember – this had to have been in the dark of night, for we don’t see stars by day.
During your season of darkness after loss, what is shining in your heavens?
Follow that and you can coordinate your journey until Joy comes out in the morning. (Ps 30:5). For it will! Perhaps frolicking puppies and belly laughs will be the first signs of that Light.
CLICK ON LINKS FOR MORE ARTICLES ABOUT GRIEF AND LOSS
FINDING JOY IN THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE
[PHOTO CREDITS from Unsplash: grieving-dog by Matthew Henry; ocean of grief by Michael-Krahn; elbow in pain by-Diana Polekhina; men-laughing by Nathan-Anderson; Star-cloud by NASA; reading-by-the-fire by Josh-Hild]
