Do You Know What To Do Before Being Hit by a Bus?
Do you know what to do before being hit by a bus? We can survive many of life’s illnesses, car accidents, frailties of aging or other calamities…but people don’t often survive a head-on collision with a speeding bus when they are out for an evening stroll.
It is often easier to talk about buses than to use the ‘D’ word.
Preparing for death crosses my mind occasionally, but I think I am not too different from most people. I immediately dismiss it.
The trouble is, dismissing the idea of death has no effect on the reality of speeding buses.
It is possible, however, to tackle this subject with grace, intelligence, and even a bit of humor and to be able to get our ducks lined up before that fateful day.
Use whatever euphemism you need to but please don’t skip reading. This is important.
Five things to finish before the bus hits you
Some people have a ‘bucket list’ of things they want to accomplish before they die. It may include foreign travel, sky diving and learning to square dance.
These things are not in the 5-point list I am talking about.
Because we don’t like to think about death, we put off some necessary conversations for as long as possible.
I know I do.
I figure death will come for me someday, but that is way down the road. The trouble is, there are buses on that road and I can get hit by that bus as easily as you can.
With this reality in mind, I decided to make a list of things that are important to do before I hear the screech of the brakes.
It may be similar to your list. Like me, you may have thought about it, but it isn’t anything you feel like attending to.
Today.
Someday… maybe.
Let these ideas perk in your head
and heart in the meantime.
One of the most important things to begin is regular (yearly?) conversations with your loved ones.
They will resist if they are anything like my family. “Don’t think about things like that. I don’t want to hear it.”
Do you remember when your children were little and you interrupted a game they were playing to say it is time to go to bed?
Chances are their response was very similar. We don’t like to think about what we enjoy coming to an end. And so what did you do?
You made a game out of it!
Bedtime rituals—brushing teeth, putting on PJs, choosing a book for a bedtime story, reviewing the day’s highs and lows, a bedtime snack, and even picking up toys might be part of the ritual.
Preparing for life to come to an end is not a whole lot different than preparing for a day to come to an end. It’s the timeline that is different.
You wouldn’t do this every day, but finding a way to have the conversation on a regular basis, is a way to make what is often difficult into an enjoyable and memorable practice.
Five things you may want to include in such a practice.
1. Schedule the talk.
When my sons were little they had a set bedtime.
They knew that when the clock said 7:30 it was time to begin to get ready for bed whether they liked it or not. (They usually didn’t.)
The end of the year is often a good time to schedule a family dinner or Zoom call.
Expect resistance but make it fun.
It can be a time of story telling and favorite objects.
The goal is not to talk about death any more than you would talk about darkness with little kids but to celebrate the happy things of the year, and to create memories and good dreams.
Find out what is important to them. Do you have prized possessions they could care less about?
You need to know that the oil painting of Pickles the clown that has a long history as you knew the artist and the whole story about the clown is not something that will ever grace their wall.
Set them free from inheriting what will end up at GoodWill.
2. Five Wishes
Don’t forget to update your last will and testament. (You DO have one, don’t you?).
Once a year, pull out your documents and make sure there is nothing there that you have changed your mind about.
A lot can happen in a year.
One document that is extremely important is a statement of your wishes in the event the brakes fail on that bus.
One of the best I have found is a document called “Five Wishes” which can be downloaded here.
You get to put in writing whether you choose extreme life-saving measures or not. Even what background music to play, if any, when you become unable to control the remote.
This process does a couple of important things.
First you don’t have to listen to heavy metal if you prefer silence, and second and more importantly it gives your loved ones a sense of agency.
At a time when they may feel totally helpless they will have your wishes for what would make you more comfortable.
Another invaluable guide that your family will forever be grateful for is “Beyond the Estate Plan Guide, by Judith Guertin. You can collect all the important details your family needs when you are not here to tell them.
Don’t underestimate the power of this gift you can give at a time you may not be conscious.
3. An Ethical Will
An ethical will is different from a legal will.
How do you leave values and other, less tangible things like dreams and hopes, to your heirs?
One of the easiest ways is through letter writing—letters not sent but included with your other papers to be opened after your death.
An ethical will could include photos, poems, essays or audio recordings of your voice. One of my treasured finds after my father died was an old cassette tape with his voice on it.
It was probably recorded at a holiday meal, but his clear tenor pierced through the chatter and I could listen to that whenever I felt alone and scared. One very good reference if you want to read more about ethical wills through letter writing is “The Gift of Love” by Dr. Melody A. Cofield.
4. A Bucket List
What about your bucket list? Take a moment right now and write down 20 things (yes, 20!) that you would like to see, do, taste or feel, and begin ticking them off.
None of us knows when we might get hit by a bus and I know I don’t want to be sitting on a sofa watching reruns waiting for it to come.
I want to be engaged with something from my list, even if it is to sit quietly watching the dawn arrive.
And it is good to update that list every year. We are such creatures of change!
5. Forgive
The last point I want to make, and perhaps it should be the first, is to forgive.
Maya Angelou, one of my favorite poets, says When you know better you will do better.
When we really get a grip on the meaning of her words we can more easily forgive, because each of us is only working with what we have.
I grieve the number of people I have hurt in my lifetime because I lacked the skill or compassion to speak healing to their pain.
Others have hurt me for the same reason.
Forgiving others and most importantly forgiving ourselves is a tremendous gift of love. I know I don’t want to wait until I see a bus coming at me to experience and share this gift.
If I could wrap these five things in a box and tie it up with a big red bow I would do that.
Alas, I am constrained to pixels and cyberspace. Don’t let that stop you from seeing the gift of peace you give yourself, and to the world, by taking these steps.
If you enjoyed this article, jump onto the mailing list and never miss another from TheReflectivePen
