How to be a Comfort to Someone Who is Terminally Ill
How to be a comfort
Do you find it hard to be a comfort to someone who is gravely, perhaps terminally, ill?
What do you say, if anything? What do you do with your feelings? How do you say goodbye? There is no handbook with pat answers. What I can share from my experiences are some things that are helpful in these moments of pain and uncertainty.
Modern medicine can manage a patient’s physical pain quite effectively, but the pain for those who are sitting vigil is unmitigated and sometimes quite raw.
It is this pain — the ache of losing a loved one, the fear of what life will be like without them, the stress of long hours at the bedside as the world continues to turn — that has little relief and thus interferes with being totally present.
Yet being present is exactly what is needed.
When my father was dying I found myself caught up in a vortex of my mother’s reactions, the hospital’s lack of attending to what I thought should be happening, and my concerns for the children I had left with neighbors so I could be ‘present’ to my father. Being present was impossible under these circumstances even though I understood its importance.
Here are some of the things I have learned in sitting at a bedside.
Listening comforts someone
who is ill more than talking
One of the best things you can do for those who are terminally ill is to listen without judgment.
There may be words of regret, of confession, and not uncommonly, what sounds like confusion. This is not a time to ‘fix’ anything that is said. And that applies not only to the person who is dying but also to other people who are present. Just listen.
The importance of Life Review
There is a process at the end of life in which a person may go through a ‘life review’. The kindest thing you can do, again, is to encourage the review – and then listen.
Sometimes there are no words from the patient, but if you are present to their actions and facial expressions you will have the joy of accompanying them on this sacred journey.
One lady I was with had been a knitter and although her eyes were closed most of the time, her hands moved back and forth as if she were working on an afghan for her loved ones.
At a level to which I was not privy, she was reviewing her life through body memory.
Be a comfort by being present
To be present to another is to be in a receptive mode. If they speak of times past that you have no knowledge of, or that may seem inaccurate from your perspective, go with them.
Don’t correct or question. Just listen.
To be heard is one of our greatest needs in life, and many people have never received it.
If you are present at the end of a person’s life, listening is a gift beyond measure!
Showing vulnerability
Do not be afraid to show your vulnerability in the face of death.
Holding back tears creates an unspoken tension that affects not only a person who is dying but also everyone else with feelings that are difficult to share.
The last gift a dying person may give is to receive the tears of those who are struggling to say goodbye.
Don’t deny them this final opportunity to love.
Share with them how they have impacted your life.
Don’t assume that if they are unable to speak they cannot hear.
Hearing is one of the last senses to go. Tell them what their life means to you.
What to say when you do talk
One universal angst that we have as humans is to know that everything we have lived, and done, and shared has meaning.
That we mattered.
We call this ‘legacy’.
Legacy is not confined to what can be inherited, like property. Legacy includes the many ways we have impacted the lives of our loved ones, as well as the world around us.
Take the time to share with the person you are sitting with what his or her legacy is to you.
What has their life meant to you?
What are the ways they have gifted the world?
What to say when
there are difficult feelings
It is entirely possible that the person you are with has made grievous mistakes in life, hurting other people (maybe you). Their death may be a relief to many.
What do you say then?
I would encourage you to a practice of gratitude, because from the pain received from their life, you have learned and grown and, I bet, are a much more compassionate person.
Every life leaves its mark.
The best thing to say in this circumstance is nothing.
Let your presence be witness to their journey.
Try not to have expectations when you listen, to hear certain expressions of love or regret.
To sit in silence unconditionally is your gift at this moment.
When there are too many voices
OK, you say. I understand that listening is important but what do I do with all the voices in my head?
The shoulddas, oughttas, and echoes of my grief, my struggle, my letting go. I am unable to hear anything else.
The reality is, there are more people around the bedside than are visible to you and they all demand to be heard in this moment.
The voice of your mother telling you not to cry; the voice of your child-self wanting to scream and be held; the voice of your eighth grade science teacher who is asking questions about the process of dying; the voice of strangers who are full of unasked-for advice.
These voices, and many more, are competing for your heart and mind at just the moment when you want to give your heart and mind to your loved one in the bed.
Along with this inner noise is a tug of war as you struggle with letting go and hanging on simultaneously.
It is no wonder you feel torn and at a loss for words.
Sitting in silence is both the hardest work you will ever do and the most precious gift you have to offer.
If people in the room have a need to chatter, invite them to take the conversation somewhere that is out of earshot.
Your loved one’s hearing is still very much intact. For some people, soft music can fill an uncomfortable space created by silence.
Conclusion
The following summary will guide your time sitting with a loved one at the end of their life journey
- Listen – It is enough
- Be present without judgment
- Be vulnerable and let it show
- Avoid conversations with others about them in their presence
- Let any words you speak be words of gratitude for their presence in your life. It is enough!
[Photo Credits by Unsplash: two people talking by priscilla-du-preez; man-listening by jd-mason; vulnerability by jeremy-wong; knitting-hands by ungureanu-ionut; legacy by laura-fuhrman; many-voices by andrew-seaman]
