Would You Choose Aging or Youth?
IF you had a choice would you choose aging or perpetual youth? Suppose for a moment that aging was completely voluntary…that you could choose to remain young, vital and healthy for a lifetime. What are the positives to that?
Well for starters you would be more comfortable. Without aches and stiffness you could accomplish a lot more. If your spinal column wasn’t collapsing you could still reach the top shelves in life. You could throw away your reading glasses and hearing aids. The list goes on…
But what would that bring you? Most of us would continue to pursue a life that keeps us busy generating the income needed to support our ever growing interests, or travel or investment in a horse ranch. When would we ever slow down to enjoy this life—right here, right now, in this moment?
Aging early
I had a bit of a jump on aging when I was diagnosed in my early 20s with MS. I had to learn how to go much slower in life, how to access a world that wasn’t accomodating to someone in a wheelchair, and how to ask for help. Most people don’t get to that point until their 80’s—if ever. I haven’t lived a lifetime with those restrictions, thanks to the fickle nature of MS that goes into remission only to emerge without warning later. But I lived that way long enough to learn some profound lessons about life…and about aging.
First of all I learned not to fear limitations of mobility. Don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying I would be happy about having to use a wheelchair (again for the third time). But the thought doesn’t terrify me.
I am full of gratitude for the improvements in mobility devices and have a garage full of esoteric bikes and walkers to prove it. Mobility issues gave me incredible practice in living in the moment. I couldn’t just get up and go chase some distraction. Sitting was my ‘job.’
Secondly I have learned how to handle reactions of people who are insensitive or ignorant. I understand that they are afraid and are listening to a voice in their head that repeats over and over, “I hope I never have to go through what she is going through.”
The pain of life
As we grow older or acquire a life-limiting illness (or both), we become a threat to people who want to believe that life should always be rosy and easy.
Well, life has never been all rosy and easy. We are birthed into this world through a bloody mess and a lot of pain.
We have no memory of the painful pressure of the birth canal with its power to reshape soft skulls, but our response to this event is to wail! And those standing around rejoice!
What we don’t realize, of course, is how soon we will be in collaboration with the world to deny pain, to control our tears, and to ‘be good’…ie don’t do anything to remind other people that life can hurt.
So by the time we are in our 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and beyond, we are throughly conditioned to hide our flaws and pain. We especially want to run from a most common emotion when our limitations become visible— shame.
The shame of aging
I could name any number of people I have met over the years who would rather die than use a cane or a wheelchair. Some people have shame just looking in the mirror at their wrinkles, sagging skin and grey (or missing) hair.
These are the same people who will avoid treating someone who uses a wheelchair with dignity and respect as an equal human being, like speaking only to their companion instead of to them directly.
The third great lesson I learned from living with MS is that life holds just as much fun as it does pain…if not more. Finding ways to climb metaphorical mountains with limitations— physical, mental, or spiritual— is an adventure that many folks never learn to enjoy.
What some people refer to as limitations from arthritis, heart disease, or mental illness are also opportunities. Where else can you get an education in compassion, resilience, patience, and perseverance?
I don’t want to be seen as glib or in denial about the difficulties of any illness, or of aging. I am right there in the ‘gimme’ line with everyone else.
- Give me strength (so I can keep running in circles.)
- Give me power (so I can have the respect of others.)
- Give me another year of youthful vigor (and then I’ll be ready to sit down.)
- Give me a peek at my future (so I’ll know how to prepare.)
Looking ahead
This last is an unspoken prayer that many of us have. It is why we have retirement accounts and 401K’s. If I really knew what lay ahead when it comes to my health, capacity or limitations I would like to think I would make changes to prepare for that.
Like I prepared for having MS when I was young? Like I prepared for divorce before going down the aisle? Like I prepared for losing a parent at an early age?
Another thing MS has taught me is that everything is temporary! I can walk relatively straight today. Tomorrow I may stagger like a drunken sailor.
Today’s energy store is like manna…only good for this day. I will have to see what tomorrow brings.
Tomorrow.
I can spend my time mourning that I don’t have what you have, whether that is health, money, a big home, love, youth, brains, talent, or…well you name it.
Or I can spend my time finding joy with what I have..enough health to wake up, a comfy home full of kindness, old age—with years to go (or not), brains enough to play Wordle, and talents that change as life brings new opportunities.
And this all adds up to FUN!
I have gratitude today for every loss and limitation and failure I have experienced over the years. Not that I ‘like’ these things, but without them I would not be the person I am today.
I might still be expecting FUN to be delivered by UPS. I celebrate that my joy is an internal part of my being and whether the UPS (also known as “the toy truck” in our home) arrives or not, I am content.
Like Paul “I have learned in whatsoever state I am , therewith to be content” (Phil:xx:xx)
If you want more ideas about aging with grace
be sure to sign up for TheReflectivePen
