Two ways you can begin practicing for death today
Practicing for Death
What are some of the things you have practiced in your life? Your golf swing? Putting on make-up? A speech you have been invited to give at a wedding?
Practicing is how we prepare for something that we are going to be doing so, hopefully, we don’t get nervous at the last minute.
Have you ever thought about practicing for death? Depending on your religious traditions there may be prayers or liturgies that are important but I am going to suggest two simple practices.
Until Death Do Us Part
From the day you and your spouse made a commitment to love and cherish each other until parted by death I can assure you that the conversation about death was academic if considered at all.
I have performed many wedding ceremonies and dying was not foremost on a couple’s minds.
Someday, of course. No one denies that.
But to talk about it when you are picking out bridal bouquets and diamonds seems irrelevant if not just bad karma.
I was the only clergyperson I knew who incorporated talking about final wishes during pre-marital counseling. I assured them that talking about death doesn’t cause death, prevent it, or reduce grief.
Why talk about death?
Talking about death can open windows that may not otherwise occur until it is too late.
- It can raise the curtain on a taboo subject for conversation and provide language for it to continue.
- It introduces death as a reality that is guaranteed to make its presence known and reduces anxiety.
- Talking about death and dying is about as intimate a conversation as two people will have together. Best that it is done long before grief has laced its fingers into the mix.
- Staying silent can create burdens we end up carrying all our lives.
And it takes practice! And like most things, there are different ways to practice anything. I am going to suggest two…a yearly practice of conversations, and a daily practice of acknowledgment.
The Practice of Conversations
Finding a way to have a conversation about death isn’t necessarily any easier than proposing marriage. Or having a talk with your kids about the facts of life. It begins with an acknowledgment that it is difficult and necessary. Because it is so intimate this conversation may lead to stuttering, blushing, and giggles. My tendency is to gulp a bit in the beginning.
Here are some things to think about as you and your beloved express your love by acknowledging the unspoken fear between you. One of you will die first.
1. Find a recurring time when you are sure to be with the person you want to have this conversation with such as anniversaries, the day after a holiday, or an annual road trip.
2. Book it on your calendar. It is way too easy to procrastinate. Your goal is to make this an annual conversation. It can be one that is anticipated with gratitude.
3. Send your loved one an invitation or a gift. Chocolate is always good for intimate occasions.
4. Download a copy of “Five Wishes” What do you each want “IF”? This document will give you a basic framework for some important wishes that need to be shared and revised throughout your relationship. (It used to be free. Now it costs $5 but is definitely worth it!). You will want copies for yourself and for your medical providers.
5. You can add any other documents you may have prepared, a will, an ethical will, lists of ‘stuff’ that are important to you, etc. This will be the ‘business’ end of your conversation. You may have created some or all of these documents, but have you talked about them again?
6. You can write your own obituary if you want, but if not, you might want to chat about what you would put in it if you did. Have fun with this! If you wrote an obituary for each other, what would you say? The whole idea of these conversations is to make talking about death as expected as talking about birth, or marriage, or planning a vacation.
The Practice of Acknowledgement
The most common defense mechanism we employ as human beings is denial. There is a reason for this. Denial helps the psyche cope with the present.
It works OK for the moment. For example, I am good at denying that I need to do my taxes. It gives me extra time to work on other projects and I don’t have to worry about getting confused and messing up the paperwork.
However, the denial only works until April, and then I have to be accountable.
Well, I am here to tell you death can trigger stronger denial than taxes. Because it doesn’t come due on a specific date we can pretend we have an unlimited amount of time to deal with the reality of death.
We believe it isn’t going to happen today or any time soon.
On the contrary…death could come for any of us at any moment like a bus out of control.
There is a practice that will strengthen us to face that bus when it comes, the practice of acknowledgment. It is simple— a daily practice of saying 4 little words: “I’m going to die”. We can say this to ourselves or to our loved ones. You can strengthen this mantra with “You’re going to die.”
Making “I’m going to die” a simple daily practice brings a deeper appreciation for every moment of life. If you whisper it to a loved one it may be preceded or followed by a tender hug.
You might send it in an appropriate card or text to a loved one at a distance, or you could write it on the bathroom mirror for yourself. Acknowledging death will not hasten death. Acknowledging that “I am going to die” awakens us to live fully each day.
We all hope our lives are long and healthy and full of joy.
May it be so!
And when we reach the end may we find the strength for acceptance, because we have been showing hospitality to death all along.
[Photo credits from Unsplash: practicing-piano-by-clark-young;wedding-by-leonardo-miranda;Conversation-by-Etienne-Boulanger;weary-woman-Depositphotos; embracing-women-by-eye-for-ebony]
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