HOW TO CARE FOR A CAREGIVER
If there are fifty-three million caregivers in the U.S. (2020 Caregiving in the U.S. report from AARP) there must be at least that many friends or neighbors of caregivers. Are you one of them? Have you wondered if you could be more supportive? (Photo by Davide Ragusa on Unsplash)
I have done a bit of caregiving in my life, but most of my experience has been in support of my caregiving sister. Her husband has suffered from Alzheimer’s Disease for over twenty-five years. The last five in long term care may be the most difficult.
I have also supported many folks who care for a loved one through difficult diseases, as well as end-of-life issues. In this post I continue some of observations from a previous article “Are You In Danger of Caregiver Burnout” – written specifically for caregivers. This article will look at supporting that caregiver – what works and what is not helpful.
KNOW YOURSELF
Are you a person who prefers happy novels, funny jokes and sunny days? There is nothing wrong with that. I, also, am an optimist and prefer to see the bright side of things. (Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash)
Or perhaps you are inclined to see things as tragic and want to avoid talking about them at all costs. It’s how you have learned to survive. (Photo by Miguel Gonzalez on Unsplash)
In either case, if we aren’t aware of our own energy field and how it can affect another person, we end up abandoning the very person we want to accompany.
If you find yourself in the position of supporting a caregiver, ask yourself,
- Am I comfortable with my own tears, feelings of helplessness and limits?
- Am I comfortable sitting with someone else’s?
A caregiver under stress will suck up an ocean of grief to keep everyone else ‘comfortable.’
I don’t want to ask that of someone I want to support.
WHAT HELPS AND WHAT DOESN’T
“Interestingly, the longer I’ve lived with the cancer,
the more my definition of toughness has changed.
I used to think not crying meant you were tough.
Now I think crying means you’re tough.
It means you’re strong enough to be honest and vulnerable.
It means you’re not pretending.”
—Alex Trebek
What is needed is an acknowledgment of the loss that accompanies a life that has turned out much differently than was planned. Not pity, not denial and not abandonment.
A caregiver needs permission to feel. To rant, to weep, to doubt. Without judgment. Without ‘help’ to cheer up. A caregiver on the edge of burnout doesn’t need to add ‘getting a grip’ to the list of things to do. (Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash)
And the truth is, if we as a friend are not comfortable with our feelings, if we have never acknowledged our losses and deep pain, we do not see— cannot see—their deep need and validate it. So we are apt to suggest something to make them smile.
- “I know just how you feel.” (No, you don’t)
- “There’s always a better tomorrow.” (I’m only trying to live today)
- “Cheer up. It could be worse.” (And that is supposed to help me?)
When we encourage another person to stuff their feelings to make us feel more comfortable, we drain their capacity to function with integrity. We rob them of the fullness of their humanity. Without freedom for all their feelings, they become dry – inside and out, like a forest in need of rain. Perfect conditions for ‘burnout.’
Some good things to say might be:
- “I can’t imagine how you feel.”
- “I have time tomorrow. Can I stay with her/him while you do something you want?”
- “Tell me what you miss the most.”
These words acknowledge their reality, validating where they are on a long lonely journey.
HOW TO BE A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND
Listen.
Sometimes the most validating response is silence as we bear witness to another’s life. (Photo by Christian Bowenon Unsplash)
Stick around. Bring a meal, share a game of cards. Do whatever you did ‘before’. (Photo by Vlad Sargu on Unsplash)
Many friends and acquaintances pull away because they don’t know what to do.
- Don’t stop invitations
Invite the caregiver and their loved one to the same events you would have in the past. It is their call to make whether they are able to accept.
- Be specific about an offer to help.
To say “call me if you need me” adds another burden. Saying “I’m on my way to the store. What can I bring you on my way back” is specific.
- Don’t ‘fix’.
Our need to fix things is about OUR comfort level and invalidates their reality.
- Forgive yourself.
You will make mistakes. Perfection is so overrated!
- Laugh. Cry. Sing. Pray.
Thank you for doing the tender supportive work of being a friend to a caregiver.
HERE IS A WAY TO HELP NOW!
Get this brochure entitled “Because You Asked” – a FREE PDF Click Here
which can be downloaded by clicking on the button. Give it to your caregiver friend,
who may find it easier to have a checklist than to talk about what they need.
*PLEASE NOTE – This PDF will appear upside down. Set your printer to print double sided on one sheet of paper and it arrives as a perfect tri-fold
Other articles about Caregiving:
“What is meant by Caregiver Guilt”
“A Service Dog Speaks to Caregivers”
DON’T MISS ANY NEW ARTICLES FROM “THE REFLECTIVE PEN”
